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Have you ever heard the saying: “Eyes are the windows to the soul?” Well, in this Read the Mind in the Eyes quiz, you’ll get a chance to see if you can accurately read a person’s emotions just by looking at their eyes.

I’ve tried the test and found it interesting and fun, so I decided to share it with you.

What is the Reading the Mind in the Eyes Test?

The Reading the Mind in the Eyes test was developed by Professor Simon Baron-Cohen and his colleagues at Cambridge University. It’s a psychological test that assesses a person’s ability to recognize emotions from the eyes.

The original version of the test was created in 1977 and consisted of only 25 photographs; it was later expanded to 36 to make it more challenging.

This test is often used in the field of psychology and neuroscience research, as well as in clinical settings, to assess social cognition skills and the spectrum of autism.

How Does the Quiz Work?

The Reading Emotions through Eyes quiz consists of 36 photographs of only the eye region of different individuals – both males and females.

Each photograph is accompanied by four possible answers describing emotions, and you have to choose which word best describes what the person in the picture is feeling. Only one option is correct.

You’ll get a point for each correct answer.  If you look at the options for each emotion, you’ll often find at least one or two options to be obviously incorrect. I found numbers 10 and 19 especially tricky. Let me know in the comments how many answers you got right!

RMET Answers

Below, you can find the correct answers, so if you haven’t taken the quiz yet, return to the beginning of the article to test yourself first.

The correct answer is playful.

The correct answer is upset.

The correct answer is desire.

The correct answer is insisting.

The correct answer is worried.

The correct answer is fantasizing.

The correct answer is uneasy.

The correct answer is despondent (in low spirits).

The correct answer is preoccupied.

The correct answer is cautious.

The correct answer is regretful.

The correct answer is skeptical.

The correct answer is anticipating.

The correct answer is accusing.

The correct answer is contemplative.

The correct answer is thoughtful.

The correct answer is doubtful.

The correct answer is decisive.

The correct answer is tentative.

The correct answer is friendly.

The correct answer is fantasizing.

The correct answer is preoccupied.

The correct answer is defiant.

The correct answer is pensive.

The correct answer is interested.

The correct answer is hostile.

The correct answer is cautious.

The correct answer is interested.

The correct answer is reflective.

The correct answer is flirtatious.

The correct answer is confident.

The correct answer is serious.

The correct answer is concerned.

The correct answer is distrustful.

The correct answer is nervous.

The correct answer is suspicious.

The correct answer is panicked.

So, how many correct answers did you get? Which photos did you find tricky to identify? Share your results in the comments.

In self-development circles, we often hear about the importance of boundaries. However, we don’t hear or see as often about how to handle overstepping boundaries or what healthy boundaries look like.

For some people, discussion around boundaries brings up a lot of resistance.

On the one hand, we have people who use boundaries as rigid walls or barriers. Boundaries for them are forms of electric fences to protect themselves from being hurt. They find it difficult to trust people or express vulnerability, and as a result, they feel isolated and disconnected.

On the other hand, we have another extreme of people who think it’s selfish to express boundaries. They tend to put someone else’s needs above their own and, as a result, feel depleted and resentful. This pattern is often accompanied by codependency, people-pleasing, and enmeshment (losing one’s own sense of self).

So What are Healthy Boundaries?

Many people see boundaries as imaginary lines that separate them from others. Something like your own personal space, so to speak.

I see it a bit differently. Setting boundaries means simply expressing what we prefer. Being straightforward. Saying how we feel. Asking for changes. Standing for what we believe in despite potential disapproval. Saying no without having a need to make excuses or justify our preference.

At the same time, boundaries are not there to control what other people do or don’t. It also doesn’t mean that we will always get what we want.

In short, boundaries are about defining and following our preferences, personal integrity, desires, and needs.

Therefore, it is crucial to know yourself more and your own personal truth if you want to develop healthy boundaries.

In short, your personal boundaries are based on your own value system and perspective and might be totally different from those of your friends, other people, parents, society or partner.

Nobody else but you can tell you where your boundaries lie.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you understand your boundaries more:

What are my non-negotiables?

What do I value the most?

Another misconception is that boundaries are set in stone. The truth is, they can change over time, and they vary depending on the relationship and circumstances.

For example, the time you can give to others is more limited when you have a baby or start a new business project.

What Are the Signs of Not Having Healthy Boundaries? (+Boundaries Quiz)

Do you want to find out if you have healthy boundaries? Take this quiz:

1. Feeling guilty or selfish when you say no to someone
2. Going against yourself to please others or to be accepted
3. Not addressing it when someone has mistreated you
4. Saying yes when you mean no or vice versa
5. Allowing physical touch when you don’t want it
6. Overextending yourself just to be perceived in a good light
7. Constantly trying to fix other people’s problems or difficulties
8. Not communicating your emotional needs in relationships
9. Allowing others to take advantage of you
10. Feeling depleted and overwhelmed
11. Avoiding uncomfortable conversations because of potential conflict it may create
12. Not wanting to ruffle the feathers
13. Feeling resentful for always giving and not receiving enough
14. Apologizing for things that are not your fault just to keep the status quo
15. Not speaking up when you have something to say

“A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.” I read this quote by Ritu Ghatourey, which made me pause and reflect.

We can’t control what others do or say, but we can set boundaries and determine our response and consequences for overstepping boundaries.

However, it goes deeper than that. How we treat ourselves sets the tone for how others treat us.

In other words, we can’t expect respect from others if we don’t respect ourselves. We can’t expect others to value us and our time if we don’t value ourselves.

If we keep putting ourselves last, how can we expect others to start putting us first?

Picture Maria. She’s a typical nice girl. She does everything that’s required of her and more. In doing so, she might secretly hope that someone will notice her one day and acknowledge her. So she never says no, and yet she is undervalued, underappreciated and feels constantly depleted.

And then there is another colleague – Suzy, who is not afraid to speak her mind and ask for a pay raise. She doesn’t pick up the phone from her boss on weekends or vacations because that’s her time off for family. She values her time and knows her priorities.

Can you see the difference?

So perhaps rather than asking how to make others respect our boundaries or why other people overstep our boundaries, we can ask:

Do I communicate my needs clearly and assertively? 

Do I know what my non-negotiables are?

Can I be ok with disappointing others if it means following what’s true to my heart?

Do I stay true to my words, values, and priorities?

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” ~ Brene Brown

Why Do People Hesitate to Set Boundaries?

There could be multiple reasons why we’re afraid to set boundaries or hesitant to speak up when someone is overstepping our boundaries:

• putting other people’s needs and feelings first
• thinking it’s selfish to express boundaries
• not knowing ourselves
• not feeling that we have rights or authority
• thinking that setting boundaries will upset or disappoint the other person and ruin our relationships
• lacking the skillset because we haven’t learned how to set boundaries

Oftentimes, we’re afraid to set boundaries because of the potential consequences it might have. It’s especially difficult when we derive our self-esteem from external validation from others.

Communicating what we want, feel, and need can be uncomfortable and scary because others might dislike it and get upset.

But as with everything else, the more we practice, the easier it gets.

It’s not our job to save or fix people. To do it all. To please everyone.

It’s our job to be authentic. To take it one step at a time. To communicate our boundaries and speak our truth.

Why Are Healthy Boundaries Important?

By allowing people to overstep our boundaries, we go against ourselves. The main consequence of disrespecting boundaries is low self-esteem and resentment towards self and others.

If we don’t express ourselves openly, we might end up in unfulfilling relationships.

We will feel like people closest to us don’t really know us or don’t love us for who we really are. Having healthy boundaries prevents us from losing ourselves in relationships.

When we abandon our personal truth, it feels like we can’t trust ourselves anymore. It can feel like a self-betrayal. The only way to correct this is to attune back to our emotions, to know and love ourselves enough to act in alignment with our own personal truth.

“When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short-term discomfort for long term dysfunction.” ~ Peter Bromberg

How Do We Recognize If Our Boundaries Were Overstepped?

Our feelings always communicate to us whether our boundaries have been violated or not with emotions such as anger, frustration or resentment. Therefore it is crucial to befriend our own emotions and pay attention to them.

Knowing how we feel can be confusing if, in our childhood, we were shamed or dismissed for how we felt and for what we wanted. When our boundaries were constantly violated. We think that overstepping boundaries and ignoring them is normal.

This childhood dynamic often leads to disconnection from our feelings. And disconnection from our feelings leads to a struggle with making decisions, taking actions that are in alignment with our true authentic selves and recognizing overstepping boundaries.

You might be interested in:

How to deal with anger

People who overstep boundaries often:

• take without asking
• belittle others
• ignore what you say or how you feel about something
• are controlling and manipulate
• make decisions for you without consulting you first

What Do Healthy Boundaries Look Like?

• Being clear about your values and preferences
• Having a healthy openness and vulnerability with people who earned your trust
• Saying no without having a need to justify your preference or making excuses
• Respecting other people’s boundaries without taking it personally

We set our boundaries by communicating them and then acting in alignment with our words. 

There are different ways of communicating our boundaries.

Difference between passive, aggressive and assertive communication:

Passive

• long rambling sentences, also known as beating around the bush
• using phrases such as “if it wouldn’t be too much trouble…”
• the voice is often dull and monotonous, over-soft or over-warm
• frequent justifications, e.g., “I wouldn’t normally say anything”
• apologies, e.g., “I’m terribly sorry to bother you..”
• self-dismissal, e.g., “It’s not important” or “It doesn’t really matter”
• self-pity, e.g., “I’m useless…hopeless” or “You know me…”

Aggressive

• Sarcastic or condescending undertone
• Blame
• Use of threats, e.g., “You’d better watch out” or “If you don’t…”
• Put downs, e.g., “You’ve got to be kidding…” or “How can you be so stupid..”Why on earth did you do it like that?”
• Evaluative comments emphasizing concepts such as: should”, “bad”
• Opinions expressed as facts, e.g., “Nobody wants to behave like that” or “That’s a useless way to do it.”

Passive-Aggressive

• Appears upset but refuses to admit it
• Silent treatment or ghosting
• Sarcastic or condescending undertone
• Acting moody without explaining why
• Focus on problems but not on solutions

The healthy version would be firm but fair / assertive communication.

So let’s take a look at four main areas where we set our boundaries – Family, Work, Romance and Friendship.

What are Healthy Boundaries with Parents?

As we get older, we start to lean away from our parents’ influence. This is an essential part of becoming an adult.

I carried a lot of guilt around being a ‘bad daughter’. I found it difficult to separate my own needs and desires from my parents’ expectations of me. Therefore it was hard for me to set boundaries with them. I didn’t want to make them disappointed or upset.

They wanted me to stay close to my house, and I couldn’t wait to spread my wings and explore the world. I felt a constant inner conflict inside.

Maybe some of you can relate to this.

Boundaries with your parents can look like this:

• Being open about how you feel and expressing your opinions
• Managing your time and finances in a way that works best for you and your lifestyle
• Not allowing them to force you or guilt-trip you into attending every family event
• Not badmouthing your partner in front of your parents
• Saying no
• Introducing your partner to your parents only when you feel ready
• Handling your own issues with others
• Not allowing them unannounced visits at your home
• Saying no to gifts that are given with the hope of getting a specific outcome from you
• Telling your parents that you don’t want to discuss topics that make you feel uncomfortable, such as your dating life, having kids, getting married, or any other
• Staying in a hotel instead of a family house when you visit them if you wish
• Not allowing them to push you into living your life on their terms

Family overstepping boundaries examples

Here are some examples:

• family showing up unannounced at your place
• telling you which partner you should choose, how you should manage your finances or how you should raise your children
• guilt-tripping you to get you to do what they want from you
• emotional abuse

Examples of communicating healthy boundaries with your family:

• “Before you stop by to visit, I’d like you to call.” 
• “I know you mean well and want the best for me, but I need to handle things in my life and relationship without your interference.”
• “I understand how important it is to you that I remain connected to my family, but I need to have my own space. Let me decide how I want to maintain connections.”
• “When I have issues with my sister, I don’t want you to get in the middle. We are adults and can resolve it between us.” 
• “I won’t accept money from you if it comes with the intention to control me.” 
• “I can’t lend you any more money. I would be happy to help in another way.”

What are Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship?

Every relationship operates on its own unique set of rules and boundaries. It’s up to you to discover what you want in your relationship and to communicate it.

For example, if having kids is important to you, it’s better to express it sooner rather than later. This way, both you and your potential partner can determine whether you’re compatible with each other.

Otherwise, you might push your partner or yourself to become a square peg in order to fit in a round hole. Needless to say, this is a recipe for unfulfilling relationships and life.

Open communication and honesty are the main pillars of every healthy relationship.

Overstepping Boundaries in a Relationship

You may be asking…What is overstepping boundaries in relationships? That’s a very subjective question because every relationship is unique. Therefore it’s best to first determine where your boundaries lie within the relationship.

Here are some questions to as yourself:

• How do you envision your relationship?
• What are your top 5 needs in a relationship?
• Are your values compatible?
• What are your deal breakers?
• Do you believe in monogamy?
• What do you consider cheating?
• How will you share your finances and household duties?
• Is it ok to talk to others about your issues with your relationship?

Once you have answers to these questions, you’ll know where your boundaries lie so you can communicate them to your partner.

What are Healthy Boundaries in Friendships?

Building connections with others can definitely make our lives more rewarding and enjoyable. It’s always a good sign if your friends want to see you grow.

Good signs of healthy friendship:

• your friendship is mutually supportive and beneficial
• you feel safe to express your vulnerability, including your quirks and insecurities
• setting boundaries doesn’t threaten friendship
• you can be yourself around your friends
• you can talk to them openly about your feelings.

Overstepping Boundaries in Friendship

• Chronic complaining and gossiping
• Competitiveness and jealousy
• You feel emotionally drained after your interactions
• They talk badly about you behind your bag
• They share your private matters with others
• Can’t be mature about disagreements
• The friend is around only when she or he needs something from you
• It’s all about them
• Not taking responsibility for mistakes

If your friendship is toxic rather than nurturing, it might be best to first communicate your concerns. Considering it still doesn’t make any difference, the next step would be distancing yourself from them or completely cutting them off.

What Are Healthy Boundaries at Work?

• “Let’s chat during lunch. I have a few projects I need to push through.”
• “I have a lot of things on my plate, so I can’t help you with your project.”
• “I cannot work past five o’clock.” 
• “I don’t check work emails while on vacation.” 
• “I need more assistance with my workload.” 
• “I don’t talk about personal subjects at work. It makes me uncomfortable.”
•  “If you want to chat, let’s have lunch together; that way, I can focus on our conversation.” 
• “Thank you for inviting me to hang out with you this weekend, but I won’t be able to make it.” 
• “I don’t want to grab drinks after work, but how about going to a yoga class?” 
• “I’m not available to help you with your request after hours. I like to focus my time on my family.”

Examples of Overstepping Boundaries at Work

Some boundary issues at work can include:

• taking on more than you can handle
• working overtime without pay
• engaging in toxic interactions among colleagues
• not taking time off.

Resources:

Boundaries quiz to find out if you have healthy boundaries

Set Healthy Boundaries Worksheet

References: 

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Centre for clinical interventions in Australia

Unfuck Your Boundaries Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs by Faith G. Harper

 

When we use the word independence, usually, we are implying that it’s a positive quality or even a strength. True independence empowers us to act rather than let others or our circumstances dictate our lives. It’s about taking responsibility for our own lives. There is nothing wrong with being self-reliant and independent. It’s hyper independence to the extent of never asking for help that is an issue.

The inability to ask for help and receive support stems from trauma.  Let me explain why. 

Hyper independence is an armor to protect our hearts from vulnerability, abuse, neglect, betrayal, loss of self or disappointment. In other words, it’s an armor that developed as a result of experiences that hurt us, which led to hyper independence trauma response. 

It could be the loss of our loved one and the decision to never risk that type of heartbreak again.

It could be trauma from the parent who was absent due to divorce or a parent who was never home from working multiple jobs to provide food and shelter for the family. 

It could be pain from superficial relationships which were lacking a true heart-to-heart connection. 

It could be lies, betrayals and disillusionments that we experienced. 

It could be the moments when we needed help the most, only to be left on our own. 

It could be the fear of losing ourselves in another. 

It could be trauma connected to our previous experiences with asking for help and its negative consequences. When accepting help from someone was a transaction with invisible strings attached.

It could be the moments when we were shamed or made to feel guilty for asking for something.

Can you see now what I mean by saying, ‘ultra independence/hyper independence is a trauma response’?

 

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Are you codependent? (Quiz)

What is Your Attachment Style in Relationships? (Quiz)

How to Set Healthy Boundaries?

Secrets to Healing Wounded Inner Child

 

Hyper independence in Relationships And Lack of Trust 

 

Hyper independence can develop as a result of experiences that made us conclude that people, the world or even ourselves can’t be trusted. 

That we can’t trust ourselves to choose trustworthy people and read red flags. That we can’t trust others and the world to have our best interests at heart. 

And so we decide it’s better to do everything on our own. We decide that we don’t need anybody else. In doing so, we will prevent potential disappointment or pain. 

It could even be a wound that was passed down from previous generations. 

The issue is that when we build the walls to protect ourselves from pain, we end up imprisoning ourselves within these same walls. 

When we cut ourselves from potential pain, hurt or betrayal, we also cut ourselves from potential love, joy or connection. 

When we assume that others and the world will fail us, we can unconsciously recreate the situations that make us feel betrayed to reaffirm that core belief. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

This is why it’s beneficial to become aware of these wounds and patterns so that we can intentionally choose to work through them and change them to what we prefer. 

Not one of us came here so we could live our lives carefully. For if we live our lives too carefully, we will simply find that we have arrived at death safely. I decided long ago that kind of life was not for me. That was also a good decision. A decision that has led me to more scrapes and bruises but also more meaning and wonder. And as a result, I have learnt that the person who doesn’t risk anything, risk everything. ~ Teal Swan

I remember one day when I fainted and couldn’t stand back up on my two feet. It felt so uncomfortable to ask for help that I would rather remain helpless on the ground than to request for help. 

I burst into tears from my own feeling of helplessness and vulnerability. My tears tasted like pain, self-importance and fear of looking weak. It was only at that moment when I realized I couldn’t continue like this anymore. My protective armour had cracked. 

It doesn’t have to get that far for us to change. 

 

Hyper Indepence Meaning: Difference Between Dependence, Independence, Hyper independence, Interdependence and Codependency

 

Independence is the paradigm of I-I can do it; I am responsible; I am self-reliant; I can choose. 

Dependence is the paradigm of you- you take care of me, you decide for me, it’s your fault, it’s the government’s fault, etc.

Interdependence is the paradigm of we-we can do it, we can cooperate.

Hyper independence or Ultra Independence is the paradigm of I don’t need anyone else. If I’m hyper independent, I will do it all by myself.

Codependency is the paradigm of I need someone or something else to complete me. I need people for approval to affirm my sense of identity and inner security. I need another person’s weakness to fulfill my need.

Healthy independence is a noble pursuit, but it is not the ultimate goal.

Life is, by nature highly interdependent. ~ Stephen Covey

We can see it in our ecosystem. The definition of the ecosystem is an area where plants, animals, and other organisms, as well as weather and landscape, work together to form a web of life. 

When I am interdependent, I am self-reliant and capable, but I also realize that if you and I work together, we can accomplish far more than we could ever do alone. 

If I am emotionally interdependent, I derive a  sense of worth within myself rather than deriving it from others, but I also recognize the need for love and for giving and receiving love from others. 

If I am intellectually interdependent, I realize that two brains are better than one.

Interdependent people combine their own efforts with the efforts of others to achieve greater outcomes. To achieve synergy.

It’s important to point out that the stepping stone to healthy interdependence is first developing healthy independence. This requires a level of self-mastery and developing a strong core of internal security. Jumping from dependence right into interdependence is more likely going to result in codependent dynamics.

To sum it all up, disappointments don’t need to lead to bitterness, isolation or hyper independence. They can lead to more self-awareness and better discernment. 

If one thing didn’t turn out the way we wanted, it doesn’t mean that all things or all people are going to be the same. 

Hyper independence is often caused by childhood wounding. But the good news is we can reprogram ourselves.

Before you go, check this quiz:

 

 

 

Artwork by Alexander Milov / image by just_shot_of_jameson

The way we are raised and the experiences we have during childhood create imprints that have a lasting impact on our lives.

These imprints influence and color the lens through which we interpret and experience the world. If our goal is to live more authentic lives and create greater awareness, it’s vital to uncover and heal the wounded inner child within us. 

The inner child is the spontaneous, energetic, creative and playful aspect of our personality.  It is the part of us that wants to shine through and fully embrace life. 

These aspects can get shut down with childhood wounding.

The truth is that this ‘inner child’ remains with us throughout our lifetime.  Through your own observation process, you can uncover this ‘inner child’ in yourself and others. 

A great deal of the healing processes and the development of an integrated psyche require inner child work.   

In every adult there lurks a child – an eternal child, something that is becoming, is never completed and calls for unceasing care, attention and education. That is the part of the human personality which waits to develop and become whole. ~ Carl Jung

It is easy to fool the intellect or numb the emotions with medication, but as Dr. Bassel Van Der Kolk says, the body keeps a record of our inner child wounds. Unresolved emotional trauma will find a way to creep into our lives until such time as we deal with and resolve these patterns. 

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Is Hyperindependence a Strenght or Trauma Response?

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How to Release Negative Emotions that Are Blocked

9 Grounding Techniques

17 Lessons on a Journey to Empowered Empath

Some Common Indicators of Unresolved Trauma With the Inner Child

• Any form of addiction (overeating, alcoholism, sex, drugs, consumerism, gambling, workaholism, etc…)
• Need to always be in control, lack of trust in life and people 
• “Never enough syndrome” or narcissistic personality disorder – ongoing need to be admired and validated by others 
• Fears of abandonment 
• Difficulty and confusion knowing what you want or how you feel  
• Fear of trying something new 
• Difficulty setting boundaries – having a hard time saying no 
• Fear of anger 
• Difficulty expressing your emotions 
• Paranoia and disruptive thought patterns – inability to differentiate between facts and assumptions. 
• Getting Triggered and defensive – misinterpreting and seeing the world through the lens of your inner child wounds or insecurities, which causes you to become emotionally volatile and ungrounded in your thinking
• ‘People pleaser’ syndrome
• Anxiety in social interactions 
• Overly competitive 
• Need to have things your way, or else you will quit
• Fear of making mistakes 
• Feeling guilty if you don’t conform to your parents’ ideals 
• Lack of healthy discipline – procrastination, inability to focus and finish tasks 

Types of Inner Child Wounds

How the Wounded Inner Child Affects Our Relationships

Our wounded inner child will go as far as to influence the type of relationships we attract into our life. These relationships generally mirror the original wounds from our childhood.

In dysfunctional families – secrecy, resentment, numbing of emotions, aggressiveness, control and withdrawal become your first points of reference for future relationships.

We subconsciously recreate and attract these unhealthy dynamics until such time we resolve these patterns.  The way out of these dynamics is through inner work that involves developing greater awareness and embracing our pain.

In order to do this, we have to be willing to give up any facade we put in place as a coping mechanism and access vulnerability.

Here are some examples of how the wounded inner child affects our relationships:

Projection of Our Disowned Parts 

Depending on the degree of awareness, the projection will manifest in a variety of different forms. Projection happens when we externalize our disowned traits onto others.

For example, a person might not be able to recognize that the aversion they feel towards someone is just a mirror that is reflecting back to them the aspects that they have rejected within themselves. 

Conversely, a person might feel magnetically drawn to someone who embodies a positive aspect that they have disowned in themselves.  The next time you feel a strong judgment or attraction towards someone, ask yourself the question:

Is there something in this person that I rejected in myself?  

Dissociation

If there were emotions or situations that were too difficult to process in our childhood, we might have developed a coping mechanism of disconnecting from ourselves. Instead of feeling, we learn to disconnect and numb our emotions.

This can happen when you’re in a situation you don’t like and instead of being present, you escape the situation by ‘zoning out’. Physically you are present, but mentally and emotionally, you are not there.

This can cause difficulty later in relationships, particularly if you want to create closeness.  In order to create closeness, you have to be present and emotionally attuned.

Harmful Behaviour Towards Others or Yourself

We tend to do unto others that which was done onto us. We enter into the role of perpetrator or victim. If we don’t express harmful behavior onto others, it can take the form of punishment towards ourselves.

This punishment can manifest itself as addictions that are harmful to our body and mind, entering into abusive relationships, eating disorders or outright physical harm onto ourselves e.g. punching or cutting ourselves.

Narcissistic Tendencies 

When we feel rejected or do not have unconditional love mirrored to us in our early years of development, it can spawn narcissistic tendencies later in life.

To please narcissistic parents’ expectations for a child’s behavior and personality can turn into an impossible task. The child of a narcissistic parent is constantly criticized, belittled or only praised for high achievements and being compliant.

This child grows into an adult with low self-esteem who overcompensates for it by seeking external validation and self-worth through achievement and success. 

It is also a child who grows to believe that the world is a harsh and hostile place. Adult narcissists are infused with feelings of shame, rage and distrust. They become emotionally cold and believe that the only way to have their needs met is through manipulating others.

As you can imagine, this can lead to many dysfunctions in relationships later in life. Dysfunctions such as using other people’s vulnerabilities as ammunition, a lack of empathy, an inability to take responsibility for one’s mistakes and manipulation tactics. 

Codependency

Children who were raised by narcissistic parents can also develop into codependents. Underlying both a narcissist and a codependent is the belief that connection can only be achieved by presenting a false identity or through manipulating others. 

Deep down, they believe that they are not worthy of love.  Where the two differ is that a codependent becomes overly focused on the needs of another, whilst a narcissistic person becomes overly involved with themself. 

A codependent person depends upon another or something external to meet their needs in an unhealthy/indirect way.

For example, a person becomes a perpetual victim in order to get sympathy or attention.  Or they may meet their need for feeling good and validated by constantly playing the role of ‘rescuer’ in a relationship.

We could say that codependent people derive their self-esteem from feeling ‘needed’ or by ‘sacrificing’ themselves to help others. The irony is that even if they present their actions as ‘self-sacrificing’, their underlying motives are still self-centred. 

Trust Issues And Fear of Intimacy

The development of trust begins to form in the first 15 months of life. The ability to trust forms in the bonding process between caregivers and the infant. This bonding starts with physical contact. It then extends to how your emotional and physical needs are tended to.

If you have your needs covered during this vulnerable period of life, your ability to trust the world will outweigh your mistrust.  For example, having somebody to soothe you when you cry or feed you when you’re hungry develops trust that we can count on the world. Trust that the world is friendly and not a hostile place.

If these needs are not met during this vulnerable period, then the opposite will be true. We will feel let down and guarded. This process also influences our ability to learn.  Learning is a process of exploration. We can only learn if we feel safe exploring the world.

Mistrust is also created during childhood if parents violate the personal truth of a child and disguise it under the pretense that they are acting for the child’s ‘own good’.

It is important to remember that parents who do this aren’t usually aware that they are acting in their own best interest and not in the child’s interest.

If mistrust is created in childhood, then it makes it difficult for us to believe that people have our best interest at heart later in life. We may push others away, although deep down, we crave connection.

Enmeshment/ Loss of Self

Enmeshment is a consequence of trauma that occurred in childhood when our sense of self wasn’t acknowledged. Many parents seek validation through their children. If a child has opposing desires to the parent, then it may be met with disapproval or withdrawal.

Any behavior that parent (s) considers improper threatens their security and sense of identity. In other words, parents don’t respect child’s personal boundaries.  

This can result in you believing that the only way for someone to love you is by abandoning yourself. You play a certain role that will make you more lovable.

You feel responsible for other people’s feelings. In order to meet the need for connection, you give up your personal truth. You become a chameleon, constantly changing your colors depending on who you are dealing with. As a result, you don’t feel loved for who you truly are. 

Fear of Abandonment

Abandonment trauma can happen through physical absence as well as physical presence/ emotional neglect. Trauma caused by emotional neglect is oftentimes far more painful than actual physical absence.

If we experienced abandonment trauma, we might become overly attached to our relationship. Attached to such an extent that we won’t be able to leave someone even if that person is emotionally, mentally or physically abusive.

Fear of abandonment can also manifest as building walls around ourselves so no one can hurt us again. 

Some Tips On Healing the Wounded Inner Child

Reaching our physical maturity does not immediately imply that we have reached our mental or emotional maturity. Emotional immaturity can manifest as having to depend on the opinions of others to feel a sense of self-worth, not having healthy boundaries or lack of attunement with our emotions.

Parents who are out of touch with their own emotions cannot model healthy emotional intelligence to their children. As a result, these children grow into adults who have no idea how to deal with emotions.

In order to reach full maturity, it is important to reparent the aspects of our wounded inner child. We need guidance to learn how to recognize and meet our emotional needs in a healthy way.  

Here are a few tips on how to heal your inner child wounds:

1. Get an Early Photo of Yourself  

Get a photo of yourself,  preferably a photo of yourself before the age of seven years. You can put this photo in your wallet or on your desk so that it can be a reminder of the child that lives in you.

It can also serve as a reminder to pay more attention to your inner voice.

Could you cultivate more loving and nurturing thoughts towards yourself?

Guided meditation or doing the activities that you used to love as a child can be another way you get in touch with your inner child.

2. Write a Letter to Your Inner Child

Love and acknowledge this part of yourself – your inner child within, in the form of writing. Express the intention to do your best in order to heal his or her wounds.

Allow yourself to grieve, feel anger or any other emotion that may arise when reconnecting with your painful childhood memories. Children are sometimes shamed for crying or being angry.  This blocks the energy in the body.

Sadness is an energy that can allow us to heal. Anger can allow us to understand when our boundaries have been violated. Every emotion is valid and has its purpose.

In order to reconnect with our inner child, we need to re-experience emotions that we suppressed.

3. Get Your Wounded Inner Child Needs Met as an Adult in a Healthy Way

For example, if you felt neglected as a child by your parent(s), you can find a supportive group of friends who accept you for who you are.

Sometimes it can be sufficient to meet your inner child’s needs through inner journey work. When you discover moments where you felt let down as a child, you can visualize your adult self protecting your inner child and accommodating his or her needs. 

4. Become Attuned With Your Emotions and Learn How to Release Them. 

Check this article for more information on becoming more attuned to your emotions. 

5. Integrate Your Disowned Parts

Pay close attention to yourself – especially to your triggers and to the areas where you have strong judgements.

What is it in this person that I judge?

Could it be that I judge the same aspect within myself?

Final Word

Our inner child is the spontaneous, energetic, creative and playful aspect of us.  No one had a perfect childhood. Everyone bears the unresolved unconscious patterns of their ancestral lineage.

When our inner child becomes wounded by trauma or loss, it continues to have a ripple effect on our adult life.  By reconnecting with and healing our wounded inner child, we can get more in touch with our true essence.  This naturally leads to more authentic expression, freedom and inner peace. 

 

I recently had an individual who reached out for coaching and wanted help to deal with her suppressed anger and find a way to express assertive anger.

She grew up in a household with a lot of secrets. If she voiced her opinion, she would be told to calm down or simply dismissed. As a result, she never felt heard or understood. All of this would make her frustrated. 

Suppressing our anger often stems from what we learned in childhood as part of our social conditioning. Anger as a form of expression is often discouraged as it can lead to conflict. We’re shamed for anger. We learn that it’s not ok to feel it. 

 

Example Of Beliefs Around Suppressed Anger

 

The idea of suppressing anger comes from beliefs such as:

 

“I need to perform in order to be loved.”

“Anger is bad, I must suppress it.” 

“A good person doesn’t get angry.” 

“Conflict destroys relationships.”

 

Helping my client with her suppressed anger reminded me of the areas where I have bottled up my own anger. Something that I spent a great deal of time unraveling within myself. I learned in my childhood that saying something that is not pleasant to hear or opposing the views of my father would be met with anger, dismissal, condescension or withdrawal. 

These reactions from my father taught me at a young age that it was safer to ‘bite my tongue’ and keep my opinions to myself.  

Besides this, it taught me to be hyper-attuned to what others wanted to hear. This was somewhat of a double-edged sword. It enabled me to read and feel people, to understand the nuances of human emotion, but it also had a shadow aspect to it.

I kept censoring my own voice in order to maintain the status quo, to avoid conflict and consequences. 

In doing so, I only displayed aspects of myself that were deemed ‘acceptable’. 

But eventually, it got to a point when I couldn’t live like that anymore. To deny my own truth to fit into somebody else’s box. 

I no longer wanted to filter and water down who I was. I decided to speak my truth even if it was difficult, to express my boundaries in an assertive way and stand for what I felt was right. 

 

When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction. ~ Peter Bromberg

All of this was a hard pill to swallow. I was mourning my lost voice, my lost self. I was angry about how I treated myself and how I allowed others to walk over me. All of this stemmed from the beliefs that I wasn’t worthy, that my words didn’t matter and that my life didn’t matter. 

Tears were rolling down my cheeks, but this time I was honoring them.

There was so much unspoken anger that I felt the paper I was writing might ignite in flames. 

But with every written word, I felt lighter until there was just a silent blank page. And I listened. I listened to the beat of my heart. And I felt life flowing more rapidly through my veins again. 

As if that fire reawakened the natural rhythm and flow of energy in me. I didn’t know for how long it would last, but for now, I felt light.  Emotional liberation comes from releasing and integrating all spectrum of our emotions, even those that are more unpleasant to feel. 

Anger is never wrong. It communicates to us that there is some situation that we don’t like and want to change but feel powerless to do so. 

It’s ok to feel anger as well as any other emotions. If we feel anger, then there is a valid reason for us to feel it. Whether that reason is internal or external. 

So the very first step would be to embrace anger, to own it. That doesn’t mean to go and punch someone in the nose because we feel angry.

Expressing our anger in a healthy way could look like screaming into a pillow or even punching a pillow, going for a run, kickboxing, setting healthy boundaries or journaling.

By writing all the angry, nasty thoughts that play out in our heads, we finally express how we feel and give our emotions a voice.  In doing so, we can often experience a release of tension. 

 

The question is, what do we feel powerless about? 

Is it just our perception or is this situation truly unworkable? 

What is our anger trying to communicate to us? 

What is the actual need behind the anger? 

How can we make an unworkable situation workable again? 

 

When the anger is fully felt and acknowledged and, if necessary, appropriate action is taken; eventually, it runs its course.

It’s the resistance and suppression that makes anger perpetuate and can gradually develop into aggression. This then becomes way more destructive.

When it boils up to the surface after being repressed for too long, it makes us react in unhealthy ways. Alternatively, if we continue suppressing it, we can drop into depression which is an ongoing feeling of powerlessness.

Anger can be beneficial in order to pull us out of feeling victimized or afraid. It’s forward-moving energy and sometimes it can actually be a stepping stone to feeling empowered again. 

Assertive Anger And Boundaries

Anger is often a byproduct of having a lack of boundaries.

People get angry when they fail to assert themselves. 

Anger is a vital component for recognizing where our boundaries stand. It can be fuel for action. When we finally say, enough is enough.

What could assertive anger look like? It could look like setting boundaries.

Setting boundaries is simply expressing what we prefer. Being straightforward. Saying how we feel. Asking for changes. Standing for what we believe in, despite potential disapproval. Saying no without having a need to make excuses or justify our preference. 

At the same time, it doesn’t give us a right to control or exert power over another. It also doesn’t mean that we will always get what we want. Our focus should be to create enough awareness in the other so that they can change themselves by recognizing the violation and potential consequences.

We can assert ourselves in a calm and confident manner. If we don’t do that at an appropriate time, it can gradually develop into anger and resentment towards ourselves or others. We then think the only way to express our preference is by demanding and forcing others through aggressiveness. 

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. ~ Brene Brown

Step-by-Step Process for Releasing and Integrating Anger 

 

1. Validate the emotion – you can do that by saying: No wonder I’m feeling this way. 

 

2. Identify and locate it in your body – Can you name the emotion? In what part of the body do you feel the sensation activated by your emotion? If you feel the sensation in more than one part of the body, see in which part it is more dominant. 

 

3. Observe the emotion – What sensations do you feel? Is it warmth, tightness, tension, etc.? Focus on your breath. Be present with it. 

 

4. Personify your emotion – How does your emotion look? Is it a color, a form of energy?  If your emotion was a character/person, how would it look? How old would it be? Would it be a female or male? What would be her/his name?

What happens sometimes is that your emotion can take the form of a younger version of you. It may be linked to some specific time of your life or memory.

 

5. Give your emotion a voice – Is there any message that your emotion wants you to hear, know or see? If there is some message, it helps to write it down.

This process makes the thoughts more tangible. Write down what your emotion wants to express. Is there any thought or belief that makes you feel this way?

 

6. Meet the need behind that emotion – If you see a character or younger version of yourself, you can explore his/her needs.

Sometimes all that is required of you is to be present with her/him, to see her/him, to hear her/him. And sometimes, he/she might need you to provide a feeling of safety, love or belonging.

You could imagine hugging that aspect of you in your visualization or merging with it. Immerse yourself into the emotion, into that aspect of you.

Sometimes the need will require to be expressed externally. For example, if your friend constantly keeps breaking promises, you might need to have a difficult conversation and express how it makes you feel. 

 

Right now we’re living interesting and uncertain times in the world. The old paradigms are falling apart, making space for new paradigms to emerge. A paradigm shift is a breakthrough from an old way of thinking. This transformation process usually comes with some level of resistance. 

It seems as if the world has been put on hold giving us an opportunity to reflect and redefine.

What seeds are we planting for this new cycle?

Do we keep getting stuck in old ways and making choices out of scarcity, fear, or past conditioning?

Or are we planting seeds of higher vision, new possibilities, and unity?

Regardless of what’s going on in the world right now, we can still choose to take charge of our lives. We don’t need to let external factors control our lives.

The global paradigm shift involves every individual.

Here is the summary of some of the major paradigm shifts that we’re moving towards in 2020 and beyond:

 

1.Paradigm Shift From Competition To Cooperation

 

Our current paradigm says that life is a competition,  ‘survival of the fittest’. That only the best can win and that there is a finite number of resources. The more others win, the less there is for you. That means you need to be selfish in order to get your piece of cake. It also breeds envy and jealousy among people. 

Zero-sum games no longer belong to our new paradigm. It is about seeking mutual benefit in all human interactions and endeavors. This could be summarized as looking for win-win scenarios or mastering the art of ‘we’. 

However, before we can move to healthy interdependence, we need to first develop our own independence. 

True independence empowers us to act rather than be acted upon. ~ Stephen Covey

Without healthy independence, we can easily slip into a lose/win mindset rather than a win/win mindset. Lose/win means pleasing people in order to get approval, love, acceptance, or avoid conflict and consequences. This is not any better than a win/lose competitive mindset as both of these strategies breed resentment in the long run. 

Many great things have been accomplished by the independent will of a determined soul. But the greatest opportunities and achievements of this new era are reserved for those who think abundantly in terms of creative cooperation and apply their heart to their work, not only their mind.

That brings me to point number 2.

 

2. Paradigm Shift From Brain To Heart

 

In the past jobs were about muscles, now they’re about brains, but in future, they’ll be about the heart.~ Minouche Shafik

With the expansion of AI technologies, we’re getting to a point when many professions can be replaced by machines. Automation is everywhere.  Whether it’s the self-checkout at grocery stores, self-driving cars, automated email correspondence or chatbots instead of customer service representatives. 

This is not necessarily a negative thing. Many traditional jobs that are repetitive and don’t require much creative thinking can be well suited for robots. What makes us unique from robots is our empathy, compassion, creativity, intuition, personal touch. Caring and creative jobs can’t be replaced by robots. 

What meaning would our lives have if we didn’t go to a job every day? Many people never get to a point of asking this question as they’re too busy paying their bills. 

Losing or changing a job can bring about a real personal crisis. However, it can also be an opportunity to discover and repurpose the unique gifts of individuals.  

Naturally, the question arises in me: But isn’t it important to have harmony between both brain and heart? The answer is yes. However, in today’s world, we’re more often living and expressing from our mind rather than the heart. Therefore the heart element is what’s missing and needs more attention at this point. 

 

3. Paradigm Shift From Polarity And Separation To Unity 

 

Life is full of paradoxes. What we’re currently experiencing is more polarization.  Through polarization and our differences, we can learn more about ourselves. 

Polarities are merely two sides of the same coin. 

The new world of 2020 and beyond is about embracing the whole spectrum. It means accepting both light and shadow, positive and negative, feminine and masculine, black and white. Out of merging two polarities,  something new can arise. A third option – unity. 

It is a shift from thinking this or that to this and that. It is about being open to seeing other perspectives and different angles of reality. 

Another aspect of this paradigm shift is no longer seeing ourselves as separate. Separate from other people, from the universe, from nature, from other species. 

The truth is we’re all connected through the invisible field. We can’t hurt anyone without hurting ourselves. Intelligence without including our hearts can become destructive in many ways. For example, producing as much food as quickly as possible for the maximized profit without caring about the effect of pesticides and chemicals on our health and environment. 

 

4. Paradigm Shift From Complaining To Taking Responsibility

 

A new world of 2020 and beyond is about taking responsibility for our past choices. This includes individual and collective choices. 

Our shadows are brought up to the surface giving us an opportunity to integrate them. 

How have we been treating the environment? How have we been treating each other? There is still a lot of healing that needs to be done. 

It’s easy to point the finger at others or external circumstances but the truth is that our lives are the result of our choices. Our outer world is the reflection of our inner worlds. The question is: Are we going to repeat the same mistakes, turn blind eye to our problems, or are we going to face our shadows and make wiser choices? 

 

5. Paradigm Shift From Dependence To Self-sustainability 

 

Lastly, I would like to talk about the theme of self-sustainability and sovereignty. 

Many of us don’t like the governments but can we truly govern ourselves? 

Can we be kind to each other without the laws? Can we sustain ourselves without the government? 

After many lives being put on hold due to pandemic, people realized that they can’t rely on the ‘system’ to provide what they need.

Having our own place, homegrown food, an alternative source of energy and income seems the way to go. 

This also includes supporting the local economy, agriculture, and small businesses. We’re too dependent on getting our supplies and food delivered from outside the country. When one link in the supply chain fails, it creates a domino effect.

All these changes can only take place if we change our understanding of reality. This process starts withing every individual.

I would like to end this article with some of the exercises that are aligned with where we’re heading as a collective.

Exercise no. 1: 

When you’re faced with a difficult situation or decision, ask yourself: How would love deal with it? How would love see it? How can I approach this with love? What would a person who loves themselves do?

Exercise no. 2:

Instead of looking for differences in people, look at what you have in common with others. This simple exercise can create more closeness with people rather than separation.

Excercise no.3:

Practice seeing the creator/divine aspect in others and in yourself.

Exercise no. 4:

Do random acts of kindness. It could be as simple as holding a door for someone, buying a coffee for a colleague, giving a compliment or giving the right of way at an intersection. 

For many who struggle with anxiety, depression, alienation or self-doubt, uncovering toxic shame as the root cause can be one of the greatest discoveries on our journey toward wholeness and liberation.  

What Is Toxic Shame?

 

Healthy shame is a natural reaction – it signals to us our limits.  It, however, becomes corrosive to our lives when shame transforms into a permanent state of being.  This permanent emotional state is what is referred to as ‘toxic shame’.  To have toxic shame is to believe that there is something defective about you that needs to be replaced or remain hidden.  

When you live with toxic shame, it feels like you are prayed upon. As if there is a hunter at your shoulder ready to strike. Toxic shame is all about secrecy. You are constantly on guard, hiding the aspects of you that you don’t want to have exposed or seen. ~ John Bradshaw

Anxiety and inauthenticity are often a byproduct of toxic shame.  Toxic shame makes us create a completely inauthentic identity – a performer that stays with us throughout our lives. A facade that requires vast amounts of energy to maintain.

It is only when we come into alignment with all aspects of the self. In particular, those aspects which we have rejected and hidden, that we begin to live life in a deeper state of grace.  This process involves ‘shadow work’ and ‘integration’.

 

 

Difference Between Shame And Guilt

It’s important to decipher the subtlety between guilt and shame. Guilt means you recognize that you have done something wrong. Toxic shame involves the belief that something is inherently wrong with you. If shame becomes internalized into one’s identity, then we live in a permanent state of feeling inadequate, inferior, unworthy and not good enough. 

Guilt is about doing, shame is about being. 

How Is Toxic Shame Created?

Parents that haven’t processed their own toxic shame will consciously or unconsciously pass it onto their children.  It can also be passed on through the culture or society we are born into, depending on its value system.

From an evolutionary standpoint, connection with our family or “tribe” directly correlates with our survival. In order to fit into the structure of our family and the larger society, we disown, suppress or reject the aspects that are not deemed acceptable.

In other words, we trade parts of ourselves to feel connected, accepted and therefore safe. This process creates fractures within the developing psyche of the child. In doing so, they are unable to completely accept and love themselves. 

 

 

Children’s self-esteem is developed through a mirroring process. In other words, they learn about themselves through the way others react to them.  Reactions such as rejection, abuse, criticism, withdrawal, lack of support, disapproval or invalidation give children the message that there is something undesirable about them. 

It is usually through the meaning they assign to these moments that they begin to create a negative self-image and low selfesteem which includes beliefs such as “I am insignificant, I am not lovable, or there is something wrong with me.” 

 

Internal Critic

 

This negative self-image can gradually develop into self-hate and ongoing internal critic. No matter how much you try to please this inner critic, nothing will ever be good enough. It will demand more, and it will place unrealistic expectations upon you that burden you with anxiety and negative thoughts. 

The internal critic demands perfection that isn’t realistic.  For example, it may be that after a perfectly reasonable social interaction, your internal critic scrutinizes every detail of your behavior in the interaction with negative selftalk. 

The inner dialogue may look something like this:

“You are so stupid.”

“I can’t believe you said that.”

“Your facial expression was so awkward.”

“She must now think that you’re a loser”. 

“There’s no hope for you – you’re a lost case!”.

 

These beliefs and internal narratives create the lens through which we perceive the world and ourselves. 

 

What does toxic shame feel like?

 

Shame feels as if you were shrinking. It makes you want to disappear. It makes you feel you’re unworthy

 

Toxic Shame And Addictions

 

Toxic shame can lead to self-hate, which, if left unresolved, eventually can result in other coping mechanisms, such as self-harm or harm to others. Self-harm can take various forms, including addiction, self-punishment or in its extreme form – suicide.  Harm to others can involve emotional, physical or mental abuse.  

Self-harm is generally a cry for help or an attempt to escape emotional pain. Addictions are coping strategies that provide temporary relief from emotional pain.  Although addictions may provide temporary relief in the moment they have debilitating effects over the long term.

Addictions can take the form of eating disorders, substance abuse, self-harm, workaholism, sex, even entertainment and social media. At the end of the day, they all have one thing in common – they are trying to mask the symptoms of a problem instead of addressing the root cause.

 

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics

 

Shame is generally used as a weapon of control in dysfunctional families. Perfectionism, criticism, blame, righteousness, rage or power are some cover methods in which we divert our shame onto others instead of facing it within ourselves. 

Parents that are unable to handle their emotions create mistrust in their children. If parents are unable to regulate their emotions, it creates an unpredictable dynamic that is unsettling for children.  

You might be interested in:

Do you have healthy boundaries? (Quiz)

 

Scapegoat

 

You will usually find that the scapegoats or sensitive individuals within a family structure become the recipients of deflected emotions that parents cannot face themselves. This is an especially difficult dynamic for empaths who have a hard time establishing boundaries and who can internalize other’s emotions as their own.

They become the unconscious storehouse for the family’s emotional problems. As a result, they often develop into adults who feel at fault for anything negative. To avoid taking the blame for everything, ask yourself these questions:

Is it mine or theirs?

Could it be that someone didn’t reply to your message because they are busy? It doesn’t have to mean that you have done or said something wrong.

Could it be that someone is rude because they are having a bad day?

This is also one of the reasons why empaths generally become some of the greatest healers. By resolving the complexity of these dynamics, they can attune and guide others who are in the process of overcoming toxic shame and healing wounds of the past. 

 

Narcissism

 

Other byproducts of toxic shame in dysfunctional families can be narcissism or codependency.

The person who is narcissistic is obsessively preoccupied with themselves. A narcissist’s external search for approval, admiration, superiority and significance is a continuous attempt to find self-worth and validation.

This external pursuit for success is an attempt to fill a deep void and feeling of unworthiness that stems from unhealthy shame. It is an endless pursuit that won’t be satiated until the original wounds have been addressed.  

 

Codependency

 

Emotionally neglected, shame-based children often become adults who form co-dependent relationships. Such relationships are characterized by an over-attachment and an extensive focus on the needs of the other. 

If our sense of emotional worth comes primarily from our relationship, we become highly dependent upon that relationship. It is important to point out that considering the needs of others and being of service forms part of a healthy personality. 

It does, however, become toxic when we ‘self-sacrifice’ to our own detriment or to the detriment of the other (through enabling their dysfunctional behavior) or when it is used as a form of manipulation to indirectly meet our own needs.  This is the difference between healthy interdependence and unhealthy codependency.

Discovering toxic shame as a potential root cause of anxiety, dysfunctional patterns, fragmentation and addictions can be the first step toward liberation.

 

You might be interested in:

Are You Codependent? (Quiz)

 

How to Heal Toxic Shame?

 

Healing toxic shame requires honesty, courage, self-awareness and shadow work. Let me explain what I mean by that.

If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. ~ Brene Brown

 

Confession / Speaking Up

 

Honesty with the self is the first step towards releasing you from the bonds of toxic shame. An effective way to start this process is through the act of confession.

You cannot address any problem unless you’re honest about what that problem may be. There is a reason why the first rule of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is to introduce yourself to the group and acknowledge that you are an addict. Courage is necessary for this process.  You have to be ready to face and own your toxic shame in order to transcend it.

During this time, you have to fully embrace and feel your emotions, however difficult this may be. You need to allow yourself to be vulnerable. This process can be especially difficult for men. As society has programmed them in such a way that expressing vulnerability equates to weakness. This, however, couldn’t be further from the truth. To feel and face difficult emotions is a courageous act that requires a different type of strength.

 

Remember that the only way out is through. 

Being part of intentional healing groups or working with skilled practitioners where you can open up and speak freely without judgment can have a great impact on releasing shame. The fundamental aspect of this healing process is a safe container in which space is held.

Within this space, others have the opportunity and support to explore vulnerable aspects of themselves. It is essentially a ‘remirroring’ process whereby the aspects of us that were originally wounded are seen and accepted. This can be a miraculous process to witness.

Spontaneous healing is akin to a rebirth process, whereby the sparkle within one’s eyes returns.  You see a complete shift in the energy and the state of being. The participant will experience a huge liberation of energy as if the chains which ensnared him/her before no longer exist. This is very, very powerful – both to witness and to experience. 

***

*If participating in a healing group seems like too much of a stretch, you can start by expressing your toxic shame through writing. You can write about your life story and your low points or even have a dialogue from your inner child’s point of view. Express yourself freely. This gives a voice to your pain. Sometimes that might be enough in order to get relief or to meet your inner child needs. 

 

Self-awareness

 

Notice yourself in moments when you feel triggered or insulted. It is usually an indicator that there is some aspect of you that you are not fully aware of. Remember that when you feel insulted, you become defensive.

But the question is, what is it that you are defending? In many cases, when you feel insulted, it reveals to you an area that you are insecure or ashamed of.  An aspect of you that you may have deemed ‘unworthy’ from childhood conditioning. Owning your toxic shame is the key to releasing triggered reactions. 

What also helps to gain more self-awareness is understanding toxic shame symptoms and causes. I recommend books from Brene Brown or John Bradshaw who wrote on this topic extensively.

 

Integration

 

 Within holistic health circles and, in particular, within modalities of shamanism, there is a process referred to as “soul retrieval”. It is the process of reowning back “lost parts of our soul”.  “Soul loss” is triggered by experiences we did not have the emotional capacity to handle at a time of the experience.

Feeling shame can be so difficult that it’s easier to abandon parts of us that we feel ashamed of. These parts of the ‘soul’ then reside in the subconscious, waiting for integration.  

 

 

In order to achieve internal integration, we need to break through the facade and face our shame/pain. Once we have done so with honest self-inquiry, we can then begin to reintegrate those vulnerable aspects in a gentle and compassionate way.

This integration process requires shattering the old and redefining the new. Instead of hating ourselves for being broken, we can seek to find beauty and potential in reconnecting lost parts of our soul in a new and unique way.

In Japan, there is a method of repairing broken pieces of pottery with gold. This process is called kintsugi, and it is understood that the piece of pottery becomes more beautiful and valuable after having been broken.

This metaphor portrays the potential of how our wounds can turn into our greatest gifts.  Our most difficult experiences can become a catalyst for developing internal powers such as resilience, empathy and compassion for others and liberation. In transcending our suffering and circumstances, we can become an inspiration for others to do the same. 

 

Compassion

 

Another aspect of transcending these cycles of toxic shame is the incorporation of compassion. Shame and trauma are transgenerational byproducts that are passed down. It is only when a member within the family or this ancestral lineage becomes aware of these patterns and consciously chooses to change them that these cycles can be broken. 

In order to find peace and liberation from these intergenerational patterns, we need to forgive. By understanding the reasons for our pain, we can relate to our parents’ pain and become more compassionate. Forgiveness is an act of self-love that liberates us from the bondage of emotions such as shame, resentment and anger.  If we hold onto these emotions, the same cycle will perpetuate in our children. 

 

Final Word

 

Toxic shame may feel like a deep cut in our hearts. It separates us from ourselves and others because it causes disowning aspects of ourselves.  As toxic shame often lurks in the darkness of our psyche, it’s up to us to learn and recognize its many faces.

When we heal our toxic shame, we can improve how we perceive the world, how we interact with others and ultimately, how we view ourselves. It is a journey back to wholeness. The more we are truly ourselves, the more we can access our natural gifts and live more fulfilling lives.

There is no such thing as an ideal self or perfect self, but we can be perfectly imperfect. There is beauty in embracing all aspects of our being, including our quirks, insecurities and fears.

(if you recognize yourself in these dynamics, you can find out more about narcissistic and dysfunctional family dynamics in this article – How The Wounded Inner Child Continues To Affect Our Adult Lives)

 

Ok, perhaps you felt constantly drained of being around other people and finally discovered that you’re an empath. Now you’re not sure whether you should be relieved or angry because, let’s face it,  managing hypersensitivity can be a challenging task.

Even if it may not always feel like it, being an empath comes with many gifts if you learn how to harness this energy to your benefit. Gifts such as strong intuition and the capacity to read other people, amongst many others.

The process of learning how to manage your sensitivity and reclaiming your power is a journey to becoming an empowered empath. 

Here are some observations that I made on my own journey of embodying empowered empath:

(It’s a work in progress, and that’s totally fine.)

1. You Don’t Help Others by Feeling Sorry For Them

 

2. Selfcare Isn’t Selfish

 

3. Emotions Are Not Your Enemy

 

4. There is a Big Difference Between Being ‘Nice’ and Being ‘Loving’

5. Everyone Has Blind Spots

6. Perception of Reality is Filtered Through Your Beliefs

7. Your Defenses Are Reflections of Your Wounds and Insecurities

8. Nobody Can Take Your Personal Power Away

9. Emotional Freedom is Expressing a Full Spectrum of Emotions

10. You Can Transmute the Energy

11. It’s Not Your Job to Rescue Everyone

As empaths feel other people’s emotions and pain, they may want to make sure that everyone’s happy at all costs. This may lead to pleasing others at their own detriment or finding themselves in abusive dynamics.

By making excuses for another person’s behavior and rescuing, you can end up enabling dysfunctional patterns.

If you keep doing that, people will never learn the lessons from their mistakes and take responsibility for their lives. Sometimes it can be the most loving thing to others and yourself to leave, say the ‘ugly’ truth or set strong boundaries.

12. Discomfort Equals Growth

13. Boundaries Are Vital

14.  Anger is an Expression of Powerlessness

15.  Life on Earth Wasn’t Meant to be Perfect

16. You Belong Here (Even if You Don’t Feel Like it)

17. Don’t Just Give Your trust, Let Another Person Earn it

 

As an empath, you might often feel overwhelmed by the emotions of those around you. You might feel like you can’t escape the feelings of others, and that can be draining. Learning how to ground yourself as an empath is an essential tool for empaths.

Grounding is one of the effective ways to quickly feel centered. To ground yourself means to become present and connected with your body and Earth. If you fully embrace grounding techniques as part of your daily practice, it can have numerous positive benefits in your life. 

Grounding yourself helps you manage your energy.

There are lots of ways to ground yourself, and I’m going to share some of my favorites with you.

 

You might also like:

How to Set Healthy Boundaries?

Is Hyper-independence a Strenght or Trauma Response?

Secrets to Healing Inner Child

How to Release Negative Emotions that Are Blocked?

 

Questions to ask yourself

 

Do you get distracted easily?

Do you often zone out and lose focus?

Are you constantly worrying and overthinking?

Do you feel anxious, overwhelmed or drained? 

Are you obsessing about your personal image?

Do you have a problem with inflammation, insomnia or chronic pain?

Do you lack clarity and find it difficult to discern what is right for you?

 

If you answered yes to some of these questions, then there’s a good chance that you could experience improvements in these areas by grounding yourself. 

 

Benefits Of Grounding 

 

Grounding enables you to feel more connected with yourself and your environment. When you’re grounded, it is easier to think from a place of clarity and personal integrity. It also helps you to reduce stress, restore your energy and balance your emotions.

Grounding is especially beneficial when you feel anxious, overwhelmed, drained, angry or confused.  There is a variety of different grounding techniques that you can implement into your daily practice. Here are some of my favorites:

 

How to Ground Yourself As an Empath?

 

1. Walk barefoot

When you’re walking in nature, the Earth’s tranquil energy naturally transmits into your body. From a scientific perspective, Earth contains a negative charge.

When you walk, sit or lie on the ground, the electrons of Earth are conducted into your body. Your frequency aligns with the frequency of the Earth. Through this process, stagnant energy within the body can be transmuted, helping you to feel more energized, calm and centered.

 

 

2. Physical movement

Any type of physical movement will bring you in sync with your body. Whether it’s dance or exercise – especially the exercises that stimulate the root chakra (hips, pelvic, lower back, legs, feet)

 

3. Engage your senses 

Bring attention to what’s happening in your surroundings. Engage all your senses.

What do you hear, what can you see?

Is there any scent?

You can touch objects that are close to you. Observe them with a child-like curiosity. What shape are they, what color, and what material are they made of? Is the surface soft or rough?

 

4. Body Scan

This process involves scanning your whole body internally from tip to toes. Gradually bring full awareness to different parts of your body. You can start with your toes.

What sensations do you feel? Is there any warmth, tension, heaviness, or tingliness?

Just observe and notice what you perceive. Continue the process with all body parts until you reach the head. 

 

5. Breathwork

When we’re stressed or anxious, our breathing tends to become more shallow. With shallow breathing, the air is only drawn into the chest. When we breathe deeply into our stomach, it signals the body to relax deeper.

This helps to reduce the tension within the nervous system.  When there’s no tension in the body, there’s no fear either.  There are many useful yogic breathing techniques that you can work with. You can try square breathing or a breath of fire. 

 

 

 6. Eat root vegetables

Any vegetables that grow under the ground will be beneficial for grounding purposes. Some examples are potatoes, carrots, parsnips, beets, sweet potatoes and radishes. 

 

7. Take an Epsom salt bath or have a massage

 

8. Sound 

Listen to binaural beats which specifically target the root chakra. This helps to heighten the connection to your body. What can be even more fun is attending a sound bath meditation. Instead of just hearing the sound, you can fully immerse yourself with the vibrations of sound.

 

9. Grounding Meditation 

There are many different variations of grounding meditations that you can find on the internet. I personally like this one: 

Stand or sit with your feet pressed firmly on the ground. Close your eyes and imagine that your feet are the roots of a tree.

These roots reach all the way down to the core of the Earth. Nestled within the core of the Earth are beautiful, large red crystals.

Now imagine these roots extending from your feet and winding around these vibrant crystals. Take a moment to breathe and feel this connection.  This connection then returns to your body until it reaches your heart, where this feeling is stored.

I like to imagine that my heartbeat is in sync with the heartbeat of the Earth and the Universe at large. To bring awareness to your heart, place your hands on your heart so that you can feel your pulse. 

Our emotions influence how we think, act and feel.  Therefore learning how to release negative emotions can be one of the most important skills we can learn in life. Both positive and ‘negative’ emotions have their place and purpose.

Our body has a natural mechanism of releasing build-up emotions if we don’t withhold, suppress or deny them. 

How to Release Negative Emotions (Step-By-Step Process)

Generally, we have more difficulty processing and releasing ‘negative’ emotions. Here are some tips on how to process and release blocked emotions:

 

1. Stop running away from ‘negative’ emotions

Emotions can be released only once they are fully experienced. ‘Negative’ emotions that we suppressed or haven’t dealt with will resurface again, calling for integration and completion. 

The key aspect of this process is to be fully present with our ‘negative’ emotions once they arise.

We could also call it being grounded in our bodies.  Sounds simple, yet our most common response when we feel discomfort or emotional pain is to either deny, reject or distract ourselves.

There are different ways of distraction.  It could be binge-eating, watching Netflix, scrolling social media, drinking alcohol, etc.

This cycle generally goes on until we become more aware of our emotions or a crisis forces us to pay more attention and go within. 

Is there any message your emotions want you to hear, see or know?

A big part of working with our emotions is to become more attuned to our bodies. To help with this, you can read more about grounding techniques.

 

2. Become a neutral observer

Instead of resisting what you feel, wanting to get rid of it or judging it, allow yourself to fully embrace ‘negative’ emotion. Observing the emotion without negative self-talk can change the intensity of the emotional charge.

What kind of feeling is equivalent to the sensation that you have in your body?

In which part of the body is it present?

How would you describe it?

Is it in the form of tension in your stomach, head, throat, or chest?

Is there warmth on your face? Do you have sweaty palms?

Which level of intensity?

Is it shame, guilt, anger, sorrow, or anxiety?

What are you thinking that causes you to feel this way?

This process will enable you to become more familiar with your emotions and what you feel. The unprocessed emotions are usually stored in the body in the form of stagnant/blocked energy.  If they are ignored for too long, then they can gradually manifest into a physical illness.

 

3. Find a new perspective or realization

Once you acknowledge, validate and fully feel your ‘negative’ emotion, you can find a new way of looking at the situation. This may improve the way you feel. You can imagine how you would prefer to react if this ‘negative’ emotion arises again.

When you start processing your ‘negative’ emotions, it’s not uncommon for other emotions to surface that you weren’t previously aware of.

For example, you can find that underneath your anger lies sadness. So, in this case, anger was just a cover-up for a deeper emotion of sadness. Honor the process of uncovering blocked emotions as they’re an opportunity to leave heavy emotional ‘baggage’ behind and become lighter.

You can ask yourself:

“What opportunity for more connection and love/integration and strength/ or creativity is this offering me”?

 

Is it Possible to Be Addicted to Emotions?

As important as it is to validate, acknowledge and listen to your emotions. It is equally as important to not dwell on certain emotions longer than necessary, no not get completely absorbed by them.  The latest studies in neuroscientific research reveal that we can get addicted to our emotions.

Most of us can think of a person addicted to melancholy, guilt, anxiety or worries. When we get trapped in an emotional addiction, we are essentially stuck in a ‘thinking-feeling loop’.

Our thoughts trigger biochemical reactions in our brain that cause us to feel the emotions equivalent to our thoughts. 

These emotions further fuel more thoughts that are equal to that emotional state. If we continue to feed this loop on a frequent basis, our body becomes addicted and habituated to this biochemical cocktail. It becomes our mood and, eventually, part of our identity.

We hold on to these emotions because they are familiar or serve us in some way.

Is there any potential hidden benefit I get by holding onto this emotion?

Is it perhaps keeping me safe?

If so, what is it keeping me safe from?

What would change if I let go of this emotion?

The way to break this cycle is through awareness and imagination. We need to become aware of these ‘negative’ thoughts and emotional patterns we feed. 

Once we have gained a realization or understanding of these patterns, we can then choose the thoughts that we prefer. We can use our imagination to create new internal states.

How would it feel to be empowered, fulfilled, grateful, relaxed, and joyful…?

Final Word 

Every emotion is valid and has its place.  To feel is to be alive. It’s an essential part of the human experience. Without our emotions, we would not be aware of our fundamental needs.

Emotions also give us the fuel or energy to act. There will be situations in life that will cause different reactions,  and this is Ok.

It’s more about learning the tools how to deal with those situations with more ease. Feel the emotions, and pay attention to them but don’t let them consume you.