Kamila

In self-development circles, we often hear about the importance of boundaries. However, we don’t hear or see as often about how to handle overstepping boundaries or what healthy boundaries look like.

For some people, discussion around boundaries often brings up a lot of resistance.

On the one hand, we have people who use boundaries as rigid walls or barriers. Boundaries for them are forms of electric fences to protect themselves from being hurt. They find it difficult to trust people or express vulnerability, and as a result, they feel isolated and disconnected.

On the other hand, we have another extreme of people who think it’s selfish to express boundaries. They tend to put someone else’s needs above their own and, as a result, feel depleted and resentful. This pattern is often accompanied by codependency, people-pleasing, and enmeshment (losing own sense of self).

 

So What are Healthy Boundaries?

 

Many people see boundaries as imaginary lines that separate you from others. Something like your own personal space, so to speak.

I see it a bit differently. Setting boundaries means simply expressing what we prefer. Being straightforward. Saying how we feel. Asking for changes. Standing for what we believe in despite potential disapproval. Saying no without having a need to make excuses or justify our preference.

At the same time, boundaries are not there to control what other people do or don’t. It also doesn’t mean that we will always get what we want.

In short, boundaries are about defining and following our preferences, personal integrity, desires, and needs.

Therefore it is crucial to know yourself more and your own personal truth if you want to develop healthy boundaries.

In short, your personal boundaries are based on your own value system and perspective and might be totally different from those of your friends, other people, parents, society or partner.

Nobody else but you can tell you where your boundaries lie.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you understand your boundaries more:

What are my non-negotiables?

What do I value the most?

Another misconception is that boundaries are set in stone. The truth is they can change over time, and they vary depending on the relationship and circumstances.

For example, the time you can give to others is more limited when you have a baby or start a new business project.

 

What Are the Signs of Not Having Healthy Boundaries? (+Boundaries Quiz)

 

Do you want to find out if you have healthy boundaries? Take this Boundaries quiz.

 

1. Feeling guilty or selfish when you say no to someone
2. Going against yourself to please others or to be accepted
3. Not addressing it when someone has mistreated you
4. Saying yes when you mean no or vice versa
5. Allowing physical touch when you don’t want it
6. Overextending yourself just to be perceived in a good light
7. Constantly trying to fix other people’s problems or difficulties
8. Not communicating your emotional needs in relationships
9. Allowing others to take advantage of you
10. Feeling depleted and overwhelmed
11. Avoiding uncomfortable conversations because of potential conflict it may create
12. Not wanting to ruffle the feathers
13. Feeling resentful for always giving and not receiving enough
14. Apologizing for things that are not your fault just to keep the status quo
15. Not speaking up when you have something to say

“A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.” I read this quote by Ritu Ghatourey, which made me pause and reflect.

We can’t control what others do or say, but we can set boundaries and determine our response and consequences for overstepping boundaries.

However, it goes deeper than that. How we treat ourselves sets the tone for how others treat us.

In other words, we can’t expect respect from others if we don’t respect ourselves. We can’t expect others to value us and our time if we don’t value ourselves.

If we keep putting ourselves last, how can we expect others to start putting us first?

Picture Maria. She’s a typical nice girl. She does everything that’s required of her and more. In doing so, she might secretly hope that someone will notice her one day and acknowledge her. So she never says no, and yet she is undervalued, underappreciated and feels constantly depleted.

And then there is another colleague – Suzy, who is not afraid to speak up her mind and ask for pay raise. She doesn’t pick up the phone from her boss on weekends or vacations because that’s her time off for family. She values her time and knows her priorities.

Can you see the difference?

So perhaps rather than asking how to make others respect our boundaries or why other people overstep our boundaries, we can ask:

Do I communicate my needs clearly and assertively? 

Do I even know what are my non-negotiables?

Can I be ok with disappointing others if it means following what’s true to my heart?

Do I stay true to my words, values and priorities?

 

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” ~ Brene Brown

 

Why Do People Hesitate to Set Boundaries?

 

There could be multiple reasons why we’re afraid to set boundaries or hesitant to speak up when someone is overstepping our boundaries:

 

• putting other people’s needs and feelings first
• thinking it’s selfish to express boundaries
• not knowing ourselves
• not feeling that we have rights or authority
• thinking that setting boundaries will upset or disappoint the other person and ruin our relationships
• lacking the skillset because we haven’t learned how to set boundaries

 

Oftentimes, we’re afraid to set boundaries because of the potential consequences it might have. It’s especially difficult when we derive our self-esteem from external validation from others.

Communicating what we want, feel, and need can be uncomfortable and scary because others might dislike it and get upset.

But as with everything else, the more we practice, the easier it gets.

It’s not our job to save or fix people. To do it all. To please everyone.

It’s our job to be authentic. To take it one step at a time. To communicate our boundaries and speak our truth.

 

Why Are Healthy Boundaries Important?

 

By allowing people to overstep our boundaries, we go against ourselves. The main consequence of disrespecting boundaries is low self-esteem and resentment towards self and others.

If we don’t express ourselves openly, we might end up in unfulfilling relationships.

We will feel like people closest to us don’t really know us or don’t love us for who we really are. Having healthy boundaries prevents us from losing ourselves in relationships.

When we abandon our personal truth, it feels like we can’t trust ourselves anymore. It can feel like a self-betrayal. The only way to correct this is to attune back to our emotions, to know and love ourselves enough to act in alignment with our own personal truth.

 

“When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction.” ~ Peter Bromberg

 

How Do We Recognize If Our Boundaries Were Overstepped?

 

Our feelings always communicate to us whether our boundaries have been violated or not with emotions such as anger, frustration or resentment. Therefore it is crucial to befriend our own emotions and pay attention to them.

Knowing how we feel can be confusing if, in our childhood, we were shamed or dismissed for how we felt and for what we wanted. When our boundaries were constantly violated. We think that overstepping boundaries is normal and that ignoring our boundaries is normal.

This childhood dynamic often leads to disconnection from our feelings. And disconnection from our feelings leads to a struggle with making decisions, taking actions that are in alignment with our true authentic selves and recognizing overstepping boundaries.

I talk more about emotions in these articles:

Assertive Anger

 

People who overstep boundaries often:

 

• take without asking
• belittle others
• ignore what you say or how you feel about something
• are controlling and manipulate
• make decisions for you without consulting you first

 

What Do Healthy Boundaries Look Like?

 

• Being clear about your values and preferences
• Having a healthy openness and vulnerability with people who earned your trust
• Saying no without having a need to justify your preference or making excuses
• Respecting other people’s boundaries without taking it personally

 

We set our boundaries by communicating them and then acting in alignment with our words. 

 

There are different ways of communicating our boundaries.

 

Difference between passive, aggressive and assertive communication:

 

Passive

• long rambling sentences, also known as beating around the bush
• using phrases such as “if it wouldn’t be too much trouble…”
• the voice is often dull and monotonous, over-soft or over-warm
• frequent justifications, e.g., “I wouldn’t normally say anything”
• apologies, e.g., “I’m terribly sorry to bother you..”
• self-dismissal, e.g., “It’s not important” or “It doesn’t really matter”
• self-pity, e.g., “I’m useless…hopeless” or “You know me…”

 

Aggressive

• Sarcastic or condescending undertone
• Blame
• Use of threats, e.g., “You’d better watch out” or “If you don’t…”
• Put downs, e.g., “You’ve got to be kidding…” or “How can you be so stupid..”Why on earth did you do it like that?”
• Evaluative comments emphasizing concepts such as: should”, “bad”
• Opinions expressed as facts, e.g., “Nobody wants to behave like that” or “That’s a useless way to do it.”

 

Passive-Aggressive

• Appears upset but refuses to admit it
• Silent treatment or ghosting
• Sarcastic or condescending undertone
• Acting moody without explaining why
• Focus on problems but not on solutions

 

The healthy version would be assertive communication.

So let’s take a look at four main areas where we set our boundaries – Family, Work, Romance and Friendship.

 

What are Healthy Boundaries with Parents?

 

As we get older, we start to lean away from our parents’ influence. This is an essential part of becoming an adult.

I carried a lot of guilt around being a ‘bad daughter’. I found it difficult to separate my own needs and desires from my parents’ expectations of me. Therefore it was hard for me to set boundaries with them. I didn’t want to make them disappointed or upset.

They wanted me to stay close to my house, and I couldn’t wait to spread my wings and explore the world. I felt a constant inner conflict inside.

Maybe some of you can relate to this.

 

Boundaries with your parents can look like this:

 

• Being open about how you feel and expressing your opinions
• Managing your time and finances in a way that works best for you and your lifestyle
• Not allowing them to force you or guilt-trip you into attending every family event
• Not badmouthing your partner in front of your parents
• Saying no
• Introducing your partner to your parents only when you feel ready
• Handling your own issues with others
• Not allowing them unannounced visits at your home
• Saying no to gifts that are given with the hope of getting a specific outcome from you
• Telling your parents that you don’t want to discuss topics that make you feel uncomfortable, such as your dating life, having kids, getting married, or any other
• Staying in a hotel instead of a family house when you visit them if you wish
• Not allowing them to push you into living your life on their terms

 

Family overstepping boundaries examples

 

Here are some examples:

• family showing up unannounced at your place
• telling you which partner you should choose, how you should manage your finances or how you should raise your children
• guilt-tripping you to get you to do what they want from you
• emotional abuse

 

 

Examples of communicating healthy boundaries with your family:

 

• “Before you stop by to visit, I’d like you to call.” 
• “I know you mean well and want the best for me, but I need to handle things in my life and relationship without your interference.”
• “I understand how important it is to you that I remain connected to my family, but I need to have my own space. Let me decide how I want to maintain connections.”
• “When I have issues with my sister, I don’t want you to get in the middle. We are adults and can resolve it between us.” 
• “I won’t accept money from you if it comes with the intention to control me.” 
• “I can’t lend you any more money. I would be happy to help in another way.”

 

What are Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship?

 

Every relationship operates on its own unique set of rules and boundaries. It’s up to you to discover what you want in your relationship and to communicate it.

For example, if having kids is important to you, it’s better to express it sooner rather than later. This way, both you and your potential partner can determine whether you’re compatible with each other.

Otherwise, you might push your partner or yourself to become a square peg in order to fit in a round hole. Needless to say, this is a recipe for unfulfilling relationships and life.

Open communication and honesty are the main pillars of every healthy relationship.

 

Overstepping Boundaries in a Relationship

 

You may be asking…What is overstepping boundaries in relationships? That’s a very subjective question because every relationship is unique. Therefore it’s best to first determine where your boundaries lie within the relationship.

 

Here are some questions to as yourself:

 

• How do you envision your relationship?
• What are your top 5 needs in a relationship?
• Are your values compatible?
• What are your deal breakers?
• Do you believe in monogamy?
• What do you consider cheating?
• How will you share your finances and household duties?
• Is it ok to talk to others about your issues with your relationship?

 

Once you have answers to these questions, you’ll know where your boundaries lie so you can communicate them to your partner.

 

What are Healthy Boundaries in Friendships?

 

Building connections with others can definitely make our lives more rewarding and enjoyable. It’s always a good sign if your friends want to see you grow.

 

Good signs of healthy friendship:

 

• your friendship is mutually supportive and beneficial
• you feel safe to express your vulnerability, including your quirks and insecurities
• setting boundaries doesn’t threaten friendship
• you can be yourself around your friends
• you can talk to them openly about your feelings.

 

Overstepping Boundaries in Friendship

 

• Chronic complaining and gossiping
• Competitiveness and jealousy
• You feel emotionally drained after your interactions
• They talk badly about you behind your bag
• They share your private matters with others
• Can’t be mature about disagreements
• The friend is around only when she or he needs something from you
• It’s all about them
• Not taking responsibility for mistakes

 

If your friendship is toxic rather than nurturing, it might be best to first communicate your concerns. Considering it still doesn’t make any difference, the next step would be distancing yourself from them or completely cutting them off.

 

What Are Healthy Boundaries at Work?

 

• “Let’s chat during lunch. I have a few projects I need to push through.”
• “I have a lot of things on my plate, so I can’t help you with your project.”
• “I cannot work past five o’clock.” 
• “I don’t check work emails while on vacation.” 
• “I need more assistance with my workload.” 
• “I don’t talk about personal subjects at work. It makes me uncomfortable.”
•  “If you want to chat, let’s have lunch together; that way, I can focus on our conversation.” 
• “Thank you for inviting me to hang out with you this weekend, but I won’t be able to make it.” 
• “I don’t want to grab drinks after work, but how about going to a yoga class?” 
• “I’m not available to help you with your request after hours. I like to focus my time on my family.”

 

Examples of Overstepping Boundaries at Work

 

Some boundary issues at work can include:

• taking on more than you can handle
• working overtime without pay
• engaging in toxic interactions among colleagues
• not taking time off.

 

Resources:

Boundaries quiz to find out if you have healthy boundaries

Set Healthy Boundaries Worksheet

 

References: 

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Centre for clinical interventions in Australia

Unfuck Your Boundaries Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs by Faith G. Harper

 

When we use the word independence, usually, we are implying that it’s a positive quality or even a strength. True independence empowers us to act rather than let others or our circumstances dictate our lives. It’s about taking responsibility for our own lives. There is nothing wrong with being self-reliant and independent. It’s hyper independence to the extent of never asking for help that is an issue.

The inability to ask for help and receive support stems from trauma.  Let me explain why. 

Hyper independence is an armor to protect our hearts from vulnerability, abuse, neglect, betrayal, loss of self or disappointment. In other words, it’s an armor that developed as a result of experiences that hurt us, which led to hyper independence trauma response. 

It could be the loss of our loved one and the decision to never risk that type of heartbreak again.

It could be trauma from the parent who was absent due to divorce or a parent who was never home from working multiple jobs to provide food and shelter for the family. 

It could be pain from superficial relationships which were lacking a true heart-to-heart connection. 

It could be lies, betrayals and disillusionments that we experienced. 

It could be the moments when we needed help the most, only to be left on our own. 

It could be the fear of losing ourselves in another. 

It could be trauma connected to our previous experiences with asking for help and its negative consequences. When accepting help from someone was a transaction with invisible strings attached.

It could be the moments when we were shamed or made to feel guilty for asking for something.

Can you see now what I mean by saying, ‘ultra independence/hyper independence is a trauma response’?

You might also like:

Are you codependent? (Quiz)

What is Your Attachment Style in Relationships? (Quiz)

How to Set Healthy Boundaries?

Secrets to Healing Wounded Inner Child

 

Hyper independence in Relationships And Lack of Trust 

 

Hyper independence can develop as a result of experiences that made us conclude that people, the world or even ourselves can’t be trusted. 

That we can’t trust ourselves to choose trustworthy people and read red flags. That we can’t trust others and the world to have our best interests at heart. 

And so we decide it’s better to do everything on our own. We decide that we don’t need anybody else. In doing so, we will prevent potential disappointment or pain. 

It could even be a wound that was passed down from previous generations. 

The issue is that when we build the walls to protect ourselves from pain, we end up imprisoning ourselves within these same walls. 

When we cut ourselves from potential pain, hurt or betrayal, we also cut ourselves from potential love, joy or connection. 

When we assume that others and the world will fail us, we can unconsciously recreate the situations that make us feel betrayed to reaffirm that core belief. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

This is why it’s beneficial to become aware of these wounds and patterns so that we can intentionally choose to work through them and change them to what we prefer. 

Not one of us came here so we could live our lives carefully. For if we live our lives too carefully, we will simply find that we have arrived at death safely. I decided long ago that kind of life was not for me. That was also a good decision. A decision that has led me to more scrapes and bruises but also more meaning and wonder. And as a result, I have learnt that the person who doesn’t risk anything, risk everything. ~ Teal Swan

I remember one day when I fainted and couldn’t stand back up on my two feet. It felt so uncomfortable to ask for help that I would rather remain helpless on the ground than to request for help. 

I burst into tears from my own feeling of helplessness and vulnerability. My tears tasted like pain, self-importance and fear of looking weak. It was only at that moment when I realized I couldn’t continue like this anymore. My protective armour had cracked. 

It doesn’t have to get that far for us to change. 

 

Hyper Indepence Meaning: Difference Between Dependence, Independence, Hyper independence, Interdependence and Codependency

 

Independence is the paradigm of I-I can do it; I am responsible; I am self-reliant; I can choose. 

Dependence is the paradigm of you- you take care of me, you decide for me, it’s your fault, it’s the government’s fault, etc.

Interdependence is the paradigm of we-we can do it, we can cooperate.

Hyper independence or Ultra Independence is the paradigm of I don’t need anyone else. If I’m hyper independent, I will do it all by myself.

Codependency is the paradigm of I need someone or something else to complete me. I need people for approval to affirm my sense of identity and inner security. I need another person’s weakness to fulfill my need.

Healthy independence is a noble pursuit, but it is not the ultimate goal.

Life is, by nature highly interdependent. ~ Stephen Covey

We can see it in our ecosystem. The definition of the ecosystem is an area where plants, animals, and other organisms, as well as weather and landscape, work together to form a web of life. 

When I am interdependent, I am self-reliant and capable, but I also realize that if you and I work together, we can accomplish far more than we could ever do alone. 

If I am emotionally interdependent, I derive a  sense of worth within myself rather than deriving it from others, but I also recognize the need for love and for giving and receiving love from others. 

If I am intellectually interdependent, I realize that two brains are better than one.

Interdependent people combine their own efforts with the efforts of others to achieve greater outcomes. To achieve synergy.

It’s important to point out that the stepping stone to healthy interdependence is first developing healthy independence. This requires a level of self-mastery and developing a strong core of internal security. Jumping from dependence right into interdependence is more likely going to result in codependent dynamics.

To sum it all up, disappointments don’t need to lead to bitterness, isolation or hyper independence. They can lead to more self-awareness and better discernment. 

If one thing didn’t turn out the way we wanted, it doesn’t mean that all things or all people are going to be the same. 

Hyper independence is often caused by childhood trauma. To find out more about how our inner child wounds affect our adult lives, read this article.

 

I recently had an individual who reached out for coaching and wanted help to deal with her suppressed anger and find a way to express assertive anger.

She grew up in a household with a lot of secrets. If she voiced her opinion, she would be told to calm down or simply dismissed. As a result, she never felt heard or understood. All of this would make her frustrated. 

Suppressing our anger often stems from what we learned in childhood as part of our social conditioning. Anger as a form of expression is often discouraged as it can lead to conflict. We’re shamed for anger. We learn that it’s not ok to feel it. 

 

Example Of Beliefs Around Suppressed Anger

 

The idea of suppressing anger comes from beliefs such as:

 

“I need to perform in order to be loved.”

“Anger is bad, I must suppress it.” 

“A good person doesn’t get angry.” 

“Conflict destroys relationships.”

 

Helping my client with her suppressed anger reminded me of the areas where I have bottled up my own anger. Something that I spent a great deal of time unraveling within myself. I learned in my childhood that saying something that is not pleasant to hear or opposing the views of my father would be met with anger, dismissal, condescension or withdrawal. 

These reactions from my father taught me at a young age that it was safer to ‘bite my tongue’ and keep my opinions to myself.  

Besides this, it taught me to be hyper-attuned to what others wanted to hear. This was somewhat of a double-edged sword. It enabled me to read and feel people, to understand the nuances of human emotion, but it also had a shadow aspect to it.

I kept censoring my own voice in order to maintain the status quo, to avoid conflict and consequences. 

In doing so, I only displayed aspects of myself that were deemed ‘acceptable’. 

But eventually, it got to a point when I couldn’t live like that anymore. To deny my own truth to fit into somebody else’s box. 

I no longer wanted to filter and water down who I was. I decided to speak my truth even if it was difficult, to express my boundaries in an assertive way and stand for what I felt was right. 

 

When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction. ~ Peter Bromberg

All of this was a hard pill to swallow. I was mourning my lost voice, my lost self. I was angry about how I treated myself and how I allowed others to walk over me. All of this stemmed from the beliefs that I wasn’t worthy, that my words didn’t matter and that my life didn’t matter. 

Tears were rolling down my cheeks, but this time I was honoring them.

There was so much unspoken anger that I felt the paper I was writing might ignite in flames. 

But with every written word, I felt lighter until there was just a silent blank page. And I listened. I listened to the beat of my heart. And I felt life flowing more rapidly through my veins again. 

As if that fire reawakened the natural rhythm and flow of energy in me. I didn’t know for how long it would last, but for now, I felt light.  Emotional liberation comes from releasing and integrating all spectrum of our emotions, even those that are more unpleasant to feel. 

Anger is never wrong. It communicates to us that there is some situation that we don’t like and want to change but feel powerless to do so. 

It’s ok to feel anger as well as any other emotions. If we feel anger, then there is a valid reason for us to feel it. Whether that reason is internal or external. 

So the very first step would be to embrace anger, to own it. That doesn’t mean to go and punch someone in the nose because we feel angry.

Expressing our anger in a healthy way could look like screaming into a pillow or even punching a pillow, going for a run, kickboxing, setting healthy boundaries or journaling.

By writing all the angry, nasty thoughts that play out in our heads, we finally express how we feel and give our emotions a voice.  In doing so, we can often experience a release of tension. 

 

The question is, what do we feel powerless about? 

Is it just our perception or is this situation truly unworkable? 

What is our anger trying to communicate to us? 

What is the actual need behind the anger? 

How can we make an unworkable situation workable again? 

 

When the anger is fully felt and acknowledged and, if necessary, appropriate action is taken; eventually, it runs its course.

It’s the resistance and suppression that makes anger perpetuate and can gradually develop into aggression. This then becomes way more destructive.

When it boils up to the surface after being repressed for too long, it makes us react in unhealthy ways. Alternatively, if we continue suppressing it, we can drop into depression which is an ongoing feeling of powerlessness.

Anger can be beneficial in order to pull us out of feeling victimized or afraid. It’s forward-moving energy and sometimes it can actually be a stepping stone to feeling empowered again. 

Assertive Anger And Boundaries

Anger is often a byproduct of having a lack of boundaries.

People get angry when they fail to assert themselves. 

Anger is a vital component for recognizing where our boundaries stand. It can be fuel for action. When we finally say, enough is enough.

What could assertive anger look like? It could look like setting boundaries.

Setting boundaries is simply expressing what we prefer. Being straightforward. Saying how we feel. Asking for changes. Standing for what we believe in, despite potential disapproval. Saying no without having a need to make excuses or justify our preference. 

At the same time, it doesn’t give us a right to control or exert power over another. It also doesn’t mean that we will always get what we want. Our focus should be to create enough awareness in the other so that they can change themselves by recognizing the violation and potential consequences.

We can assert ourselves in a calm and confident manner. If we don’t do that at an appropriate time, it can gradually develop into anger and resentment towards ourselves or others. We then think the only way to express our preference is by demanding and forcing others through aggressiveness. 

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. ~ Brene Brown

Step-by-Step Process for Releasing and Integrating Anger 

 

1. Validate the emotion – you can do that by saying: No wonder I’m feeling this way. 

 

2. Identify and locate it in your body – Can you name the emotion? In what part of the body do you feel the sensation activated by your emotion? If you feel the sensation in more than one part of the body, see in which part it is more dominant. 

 

3. Observe the emotion – What sensations do you feel? Is it warmth, tightness, tension, etc.? Focus on your breath. Be present with it. 

 

4. Personify your emotion – How does your emotion look? Is it a color, a form of energy?  If your emotion was a character/person, how would it look? How old would it be? Would it be a female or male? What would be her/his name?

What happens sometimes is that your emotion can take the form of a younger version of you. It may be linked to some specific time of your life or memory.

 

5. Give your emotion a voice – Is there any message that your emotion wants you to hear, know or see? If there is some message, it helps to write it down.

This process makes the thoughts more tangible. Write down what your emotion wants to express. Is there any thought or belief that makes you feel this way?

 

6. Meet the need behind that emotion – If you see a character or younger version of yourself, you can explore his/her needs.

Sometimes all that is required of you is to be present with her/him, to see her/him, to hear her/him. And sometimes, he/she might need you to provide a feeling of safety, love or belonging.

You could imagine hugging that aspect of you in your visualization or merging with it. Immerse yourself into the emotion, into that aspect of you.

Sometimes the need will require to be expressed externally. For example, if your friend constantly keeps breaking promises, you might need to have a difficult conversation and express how it makes you feel. 

 

Right now we’re living interesting and uncertain times in the world. The old paradigms are falling apart, making space for new paradigms to emerge. A paradigm shift is a breakthrough from an old way of thinking. This transformation process usually comes with some level of resistance. 

It seems as if the world has been put on hold giving us an opportunity to reflect and redefine.

What seeds are we planting for this new cycle?

Do we keep getting stuck in old ways and making choices out of scarcity, fear, or past conditioning?

Or are we planting seeds of higher vision, new possibilities, and unity?

Regardless of what’s going on in the world right now, we can still choose to take charge of our lives. We don’t need to let external factors control our lives.

The global paradigm shift involves every individual.

Here is the summary of some of the major paradigm shifts that we’re moving towards in 2020 and beyond:

 

1.Paradigm Shift From Competition To Cooperation

 

Our current paradigm says that life is a competition,  ‘survival of the fittest’. That only the best can win and that there is a finite number of resources. The more others win, the less there is for you. That means you need to be selfish in order to get your piece of cake. It also breeds envy and jealousy among people. 

Zero-sum games no longer belong to our new paradigm. It is about seeking mutual benefit in all human interactions and endeavors. This could be summarized as looking for win-win scenarios or mastering the art of ‘we’. 

However, before we can move to healthy interdependence, we need to first develop our own independence. 

True independence empowers us to act rather than be acted upon. ~ Stephen Covey

Without healthy independence, we can easily slip into a lose/win mindset rather than a win/win mindset. Lose/win means pleasing people in order to get approval, love, acceptance, or avoid conflict and consequences. This is not any better than a win/lose competitive mindset as both of these strategies breed resentment in the long run. 

Many great things have been accomplished by the independent will of a determined soul. But the greatest opportunities and achievements of this new era are reserved for those who think abundantly in terms of creative cooperation and apply their heart to their work, not only their mind.

That brings me to point number 2.

 

2. Paradigm Shift From Brain To Heart

 

In the past jobs were about muscles, now they’re about brains, but in future, they’ll be about the heart.~ Minouche Shafik

With the expansion of AI technologies, we’re getting to a point when many professions can be replaced by machines. Automation is everywhere.  Whether it’s the self-checkout at grocery stores, self-driving cars, automated email correspondence or chatbots instead of customer service representatives. 

This is not necessarily a negative thing. Many traditional jobs that are repetitive and don’t require much creative thinking can be well suited for robots. What makes us unique from robots is our empathy, compassion, creativity, intuition, personal touch. Caring and creative jobs can’t be replaced by robots. 

What meaning would our lives have if we didn’t go to a job every day? Many people never get to a point of asking this question as they’re too busy paying their bills. 

Losing or changing a job can bring about a real personal crisis. However, it can also be an opportunity to discover and repurpose the unique gifts of individuals.  

Naturally, the question arises in me: But isn’t it important to have harmony between both brain and heart? The answer is yes. However, in today’s world, we’re more often living and expressing from our mind rather than the heart. Therefore the heart element is what’s missing and needs more attention at this point. 

 

3. Paradigm Shift From Polarity And Separation To Unity 

 

Life is full of paradoxes. What we’re currently experiencing is more polarization.  Through polarization and our differences, we can learn more about ourselves. 

Polarities are merely two sides of the same coin. 

The new world of 2020 and beyond is about embracing the whole spectrum. It means accepting both light and shadow, positive and negative, feminine and masculine, black and white. Out of merging two polarities,  something new can arise. A third option – unity. 

It is a shift from thinking this or that to this and that. It is about being open to seeing other perspectives and different angles of reality. 

Another aspect of this paradigm shift is no longer seeing ourselves as separate. Separate from other people, from the universe, from nature, from other species. 

The truth is we’re all connected through the invisible field. We can’t hurt anyone without hurting ourselves. Intelligence without including our hearts can become destructive in many ways. For example, producing as much food as quickly as possible for the maximized profit without caring about the effect of pesticides and chemicals on our health and environment. 

 

3. Paradigm Shift From Complaining To Taking Responsibility

 

A new world of 2020 and beyond is about taking responsibility for our past choices. This includes individual and collective choices. 

Our shadows are brought up to the surface giving us an opportunity to integrate them. 

How have we been treating the environment? How have we been treating each other? There is still a lot of healing that needs to be done. 

It’s easy to point the finger at others or external circumstances but the truth is that our lives are the result of our choices. Our outer world is the reflection of our inner worlds. The question is: Are we going to repeat the same mistakes, turn blind eye to our problems, or are we going to face our shadows and make wiser choices? 

 

4. Paradigm Shift From Dependence To Self-sustainability 

 

Lastly, I would like to talk about the theme of self-sustainability and sovereignty. 

Many of us don’t like the governments but can we truly govern ourselves? 

Can we be kind to each other without the laws? Can we sustain ourselves without the government? 

After many lives being put on hold due to pandemic, people realized that they can’t rely on the ‘system’ to provide what they need.

Having our own place, homegrown food, an alternative source of energy and income seems the way to go. 

This also includes supporting the local economy, agriculture, and small businesses. We’re too dependent on getting our supplies and food delivered from outside the country. When one link in the supply chain fails, it creates a domino effect.

All these changes can only take place if we change our understanding of reality. This process starts withing every individual.

I would like to end this article with some of the exercises that are aligned with where we’re heading as a collective.

Exercise no. 1: 

When you’re faced with a difficult situation or decision, ask yourself: How would love deal with it? How would love see it? How can I approach this with love? What would a person who loves themselves do?

Exercise no. 2:

Instead of looking for differences in people, look at what you have in common with others. This simple exercise can create more closeness with people rather than separation.

Excercise no.3:

Practice seeing the creator/divine aspect in others and in yourself.

Exercise no. 4:

Do random acts of kindness. It could be as simple as holding a door for someone, buying a coffee for a colleague, giving a compliment or giving the right of way at an intersection. 

Ok, perhaps you felt constantly drained of being around other people and finally discovered that you’re an empath. Now you’re not sure whether you should be relieved or angry because, let’s face it,  managing hypersensitivity can be a challenging task.

Even if it may not always feel like it, being an empath comes with many gifts if you learn how to harness this energy to your benefit. Gifts such as strong intuition and the capacity to read other people, amongst many others.

The process of learning how to manage your sensitivity and reclaiming your power is a journey to becoming an empowered empath. 

 

17 Lessons on a Journey to Empowered Empath

 

Here are some observations that I made on my own journey of embodying empowered empath:

(It’s a work in progress, and that’s totally fine.)

 

1. You don’t help others by feeling sorry for them

2. Selfcare isn’t selfish

 

3. Emotions are not your enemy

 

4. There is a big difference between being ‘nice’ and being ‘loving’

5. Everyone has blind spots

6. Perception of reality is filtered through your beliefs

 

7. Your triggers are reflections of your wounds and insecurities 

8. Nobody can take your personal power away

9. Emotional freedom is expressing a full spectrum of emotions

10. You can transmute the energy

 

11. It’s not your job to rescue everyone

 

As empaths feel other people’s emotions and pain, they may want to make sure that everyone’s happy at all costs. This may lead to pleasing others at their own detriment or finding themselves in abusive dynamics.

By making excuses for another person’s behavior and rescuing, you can end up enabling dysfunctional patterns.

If you keep doing that, people will never learn the lessons from their mistakes and take responsibility for their lives. Sometimes it can be the most loving thing to others and yourself to leave, say the ‘ugly’ truth or set strong boundaries.

12. Discomfort equals growth

13. Boundaries are vital

 

 

14.  Anger is an expression of powerlessness

15.  Life on Earth wasn’t meant to be perfect

16. You belong here (even if you don’t feel like it)

17. Don’t just give your trust, let another person earn it

 

As an empath, you might often feel overwhelmed by the emotions of those around you. You might feel like you can’t escape the feelings of others, and that can be draining. Learning how to ground yourself as an empath is an essential tool for empaths.

Grounding is one of the effective ways to quickly feel centered. To ground yourself means to become present and connected with your body and Earth. If you fully embrace grounding techniques as part of your daily practice, it can have numerous positive benefits in your life. 

Grounding yourself helps you manage your energy.

There are lots of ways to ground yourself, and I’m going to share some of my favorites with you.

 

You might also like:

How to Set Healthy Boundaries?

Is Hyper-independence a Strenght or Trauma Response?

Secrets to Healing Inner Child

How to Release Negative Emotions that Are Blocked?

 

Questions to ask yourself

 

Do you get distracted easily?

Do you often zone out and lose focus?

Are you constantly worrying and overthinking?

Do you feel anxious, overwhelmed or drained? 

Are you obsessing about your personal image?

Do you have a problem with inflammation, insomnia or chronic pain?

Do you lack clarity and find it difficult to discern what is right for you?

 

If you answered yes to some of these questions, then there’s a good chance that you could experience improvements in these areas by grounding yourself. 

 

Benefits Of Grounding 

 

Grounding enables you to feel more connected with yourself and your environment. When you’re grounded, it is easier to think from a place of clarity and personal integrity. It also helps you to reduce stress, restore your energy and balance your emotions.

Grounding is especially beneficial when you feel anxious, overwhelmed, drained, angry or confused.  There is a variety of different grounding techniques that you can implement into your daily practice. Here are some of my favorites:

 

How to Ground Yourself As an Empath?

 

1. Walk barefoot

When you’re walking in nature, the Earth’s tranquil energy naturally transmits into your body. From a scientific perspective, Earth contains a negative charge.

When you walk, sit or lie on the ground, the electrons of Earth are conducted into your body. Your frequency aligns with the frequency of the Earth. Through this process, stagnant energy within the body can be transmuted, helping you to feel more energized, calm and centered.

 

 

2. Physical movement

Any type of physical movement will bring you in sync with your body. Whether it’s dance or exercise – especially the exercises that stimulate the root chakra (hips, pelvic, lower back, legs, feet)

 

3. Engage your senses 

Bring attention to what’s happening in your surroundings. Engage all your senses.

What do you hear, what can you see?

Is there any scent?

You can touch objects that are close to you. Observe them with a child-like curiosity. What shape are they, what color, and what material are they made of? Is the surface soft or rough?

 

4. Body Scan

This process involves scanning your whole body internally from tip to toes. Gradually bring full awareness to different parts of your body. You can start with your toes.

What sensations do you feel? Is there any warmth, tension, heaviness, or tingliness?

Just observe and notice what you perceive. Continue the process with all body parts until you reach the head. 

 

5. Breathwork

When we’re stressed or anxious, our breathing tends to become more shallow. With shallow breathing, the air is only drawn into the chest. When we breathe deeply into our stomach, it signals the body to relax deeper.

This helps to reduce the tension within the nervous system.  When there’s no tension in the body, there’s no fear either.  There are many useful yogic breathing techniques that you can work with. You can try square breathing or a breath of fire. 

 

 

 6. Eat root vegetables

Any vegetables that grow under the ground will be beneficial for grounding purposes. Some examples are potatoes, carrots, parsnips, beets, sweet potatoes and radishes. 

 

7. Take an Epsom salt bath or have a massage

 

8. Sound 

Listen to binaural beats which specifically target the root chakra. This helps to heighten the connection to your body. What can be even more fun is attending a sound bath meditation. Instead of just hearing the sound, you can fully immerse yourself with the vibrations of sound.

 

9. Grounding Meditation 

There are many different variations of grounding meditations that you can find on the internet. I personally like this one: 

Stand or sit with your feet pressed firmly on the ground. Close your eyes and imagine that your feet are the roots of a tree.

These roots reach all the way down to the core of the Earth. Nestled within the core of the Earth are beautiful, large red crystals.

Now imagine these roots extending from your feet and winding around these vibrant crystals. Take a moment to breathe and feel this connection.  This connection then returns to your body until it reaches your heart, where this feeling is stored.

I like to imagine that my heartbeat is in sync with the heartbeat of the Earth and the Universe at large. To bring awareness to your heart, place your hands on your heart so that you can feel your pulse. 

 

Our emotions influence how we think, act and feel.  Therefore learning how to release negative emotions can be one of the most important skills we can learn in life. Both positive and ‘negative’ emotions have their place and purpose.

Our body has a natural mechanism of releasing build-up emotions if we don’t withhold, suppress or deny them. 

 

How to Release Negative Emotions (Step-By-Step Process)

 

Generally, we have more difficulty processing and releasing ‘negative’ emotions. Here are some tips on how to process and release blocked emotions:

 

1. Stop running away from ‘negative’ emotions

 

Emotions can be released only once they are fully experienced. ‘Negative’ emotions that we suppressed or haven’t dealt with will resurface again, calling for integration and completion. 

The key aspect of this process is to be fully present with our ‘negative’ emotions once they arise.

We could also call it being grounded in our bodies.  Sounds simple, yet our most common response when we feel discomfort or emotional pain is to either deny, reject or distract ourselves.

There are different ways of distraction.  It could be binge-eating, watching Netflix, scrolling social media, drinking alcohol, etc.

This cycle generally goes on until we become more aware of our emotions or a crisis forces us to pay more attention and go within. 

Is there any message your emotions want you to hear, see or know?

A big part of working with our emotions is to become more attuned to our bodies. To help with this, you can read more about grounding techniques.

 

2. Become a neutral observer

 

Instead of resisting what you feel, wanting to get rid of it or judging it, allow yourself to fully embrace ‘negative’ emotion. Observing the emotion without negative self-talk can change the intensity of the emotional charge.

What kind of feeling is equivalent to the sensation that you have in your body?

In which part of the body is it present?

How would you describe it?

Is it in the form of tension in your stomach, head, throat, or chest?

Is there warmth on your face? Do you have sweaty palms?

Which level of intensity?

Is it shame, guilt, anger, sorrow, or anxiety?

What are you thinking that causes you to feel this way?

This process will enable you to become more familiar with your emotions and what you feel. The unprocessed emotions are usually stored in the body in the form of stagnant/blocked energy.  If they are ignored for too long, then they can gradually manifest into a physical illness.

 

3. Find a new perspective or realization

 

Once you acknowledge, validate and fully feel your ‘negative’ emotion, you can find a new way of looking at the situation. This may improve the way you feel. You can imagine how you would prefer to react if this ‘negative’ emotion arises again.

When you start processing your ‘negative’ emotions, it’s not uncommon for other emotions to surface that you weren’t previously aware of.

For example, you can find that underneath your anger lies sadness. So, in this case, anger was just a cover-up for a deeper emotion of sadness. Honor the process of uncovering blocked emotions as they’re an opportunity to leave heavy emotional ‘baggage’ behind and become lighter.

You can ask yourself:

“What opportunity for more connection and love/integration and strength/ or creativity is this offering me”?

 

Is it Possible to Be Addicted to Emotions?

 

As important as it is to validate, acknowledge and listen to your emotions. It is equally as important to not dwell on certain emotions longer than necessary, no not get completely absorbed by them.  The latest studies in neuroscientific research reveal that we can get addicted to our emotions.

Most of us can think of a person addicted to melancholy, guilt, anxiety or worries. When we get trapped in an emotional addiction, we are essentially stuck in a ‘thinking-feeling loop’.

Our thoughts trigger biochemical reactions in our brain that cause us to feel the emotions equivalent to our thoughts. 

These emotions further fuel more thoughts that are equal to that emotional state. If we continue to feed this loop on a frequent basis, our body becomes addicted and habituated to this biochemical cocktail. It becomes our mood and, eventually, part of our identity.

We hold on to these emotions because they are familiar or serve us in some way.

 

Is there any potential hidden benefit I get by holding onto this emotion?

Is it perhaps keeping me safe?

If so, what is it keeping me safe from?

What would change if I let go of this emotion?

 

The way to break this cycle is through awareness and imagination. We need to become aware of these ‘negative’ thoughts and emotional patterns we feed. 

Once we have gained a realization or understanding of these patterns, we can then choose the thoughts that we prefer. We can use our imagination to create new internal states.

How would it feel to be empowered, fulfilled, grateful, relaxed, and joyful…?

 

Final Word 

 

Every emotion is valid and has its place.  To feel is to be alive. It’s an essential part of the human experience. Without our emotions, we would not be aware of our fundamental needs.

Emotions also give us the fuel or energy to act. There will be situations in life that will cause different reactions,  and this is Ok.

It’s more about learning the tools how to deal with those situations with more ease. Feel the emotions, and pay attention to them but don’t let them consume you.