In self-development circles, we often hear about the importance of boundaries. However, we don’t hear as often about how to set boundaries or see examples of healthy boundaries.

For some people, discussion around boundaries can bring up a lot of resistance. On one hand, we have people who use boundaries as rigid walls or barriers. They find it difficult to trust people or express vulnerability which often leads to isolation and disconnection from self and others. 

On the other hand, we have another extreme of people who think it’s selfish to express boundaries. They tend to put other people’s needs above their own and as a result, they end up feeling depleted and resentful. This pattern is often accompanied by codependency, people-pleasing, and enmeshment (losing own sense of self). 

 

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” ~ Brene Brown

 

So What are Boundaries? 

 

Setting boundaries is simply expressing what we prefer. Being straightforward. Saying how we feel. Asking for changes. Standing for what we believe in despite potential disapproval. Saying no without having a need to make excuses or justify our preference. At the same time, boundaries are not there to control what other people do or don’t.  It also doesn’t mean that we will always get what we want. Boundaries are about defining and following your preferences, personal integrity, desires, and needs. 

 

We could say that boundaries are the space in which we navigate the relationship to self and others. 

 

Your personal boundaries are based on your own value system and perspective and might be totally different from those of your friends, other people, parents, society or partner. Nobody else but you can tell you where your boundaries lie. Therefore it is crucial to know yourself more and your own personal truth if you want to develop healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are not set in stone. They can change over time and they vary depending on the relationship and circumstances. For example, the time you can give to others is more limited when you have a baby or start a new business project. 

 

What Are the Signs of Not Having Healthy Boundaries? (+Boundaries Test)

 

Do you want to find out if you have healthy boundaries? Take this Boundaries test.

 

1. Feeling guilty or selfish when you say no
2. Going against yourself in order to please others or to be accepted 
3. Not addressing it when someone has mistreated you
4. Saying yes when you mean no or vice versa
5. Allowing physical touch when you don’t want it 
6. Overextending yourself just to be perceived in a good light
7. Constantly trying to fix other people’s problems or difficulties 
8. Not communicating your emotional needs in relationships 
9. Allowing others to take advantage of you or bulldoze you
10. Feeling depleted and overwhelmed
11. Avoiding uncomfortable conversations or potential conflicts 
12. Not wanting to ruffle the feathers 
13. Feeling resentful for always giving and not receiving enough 
14. Apologizing for things that are not your fault just to keep the status quo
15. Not speaking up when we have something to say

 

Why Do People Hesitate to Set Boundaries?

 

There could be multiple reasons some of which include:

 

• putting other people’s needs and feelings first
• thinking it’s selfish to express boundaries
• not knowing ourselves
• not feeling as we have rights or authority
• thinking that setting boundaries will upset or disappoint the other person and ruin our relationship 
• lacking the skillset because we haven’t learned how to set up boundaries

 

A lot of people are afraid to set boundaries because of the potential consequences it might have. Communicating what you want, feel, and need can be quite uncomfortable and scary, especially at the beginning. But as with everything else the more you practice, the easier it gets. 

It’s not your job to save or fix people. To do it all. To please everyone. 

It’s your job to be authentic. To take it one step at a time. To communicate your boundaries and speak your truth. 

 

Why Is it Important to Set Healthy Boundaries?

 

By allowing others to violate our boundaries, we go against ourselves. The main consequence of that is low self-esteem, lack of self trust and resentment towards self and others. 

If we don’t express ourselves openly, we might end up in unfulfilling relationships. We will feel like people closest to us don’t really know us or don’t love us for who we really are. Having healthy boundaries prevents us from losing ourselves in relationships.   

When we abandon our personal truth, it feels like we can’t trust ourselves anymore. It can feel like a self-betrayal. The only way to correct this is to attune back to our emotions, to know and love ourselves enough to act in alignment with our own personal truth.

 

“When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction.” ~ Peter Bromberg

 

How Do We Recognize If Our Boundaries Were Violated?

 

Our feelings always communicate to us whether our boundaries have been violated or not.  Emotions such as anger, frustration or resentment. Therefore it is crucial to befriend our own emotions and pay attention to them. 

This can be quite confusing especially if, in our childhood, we were shamed or dismissed for how we felt and for what we wanted. This childhood dynamic often leads to disconnection from our feelings. And disconnection from our feelings leads to a struggle with making decisions and taking actions that are in alignment with our true north. 

I talk more about emotions in these articles:

• Everything that we learnt about anger is wrong
• How to release negative emotions that are blocked. 

 

How Do Healthy Boundaries Look Like? 

 

Healthy boundaries are possible if we don’t project our past into our present interactions. They require self awareness of our emotions, thought patterns, wounds and coping mechanisms. 

 

• Being clear about your values and preferences
• Having a healthy openness and vulnerability with people who earned your trust
• Saying no without having a need to justify our preference or making excuses
• Respecting other people’s boundaries without taking it personally

 

We set our boundaries by communicating them and then acting in alignment with our words. 

 

Difference between passive, aggressive and assertive communication:

 

Passive

• long rambling sentences also known as beating around the bush
• using phrases such as “if it wouldn’t be too much trouble…”
• voice often dull and monotonous, over-soft or over-warm
• frequent justifications, e.g., “I wouldn’t normally say anything”
• apologies, e.g., “I’m terribly sorry to bother you..”
• self-dismissal, e.g., “It’s not important” or “It doesn’t really matter”
• self pity, e.g., “I’m useless…hopeless” or “You know me…”

 

Aggressive:

• Sarcastic or condescending undertone
• Blame
• Use of threats, e.g., “You’d better watch out” or “If you don’t…”
• Put downs, e.g., “You’ve got to be kidding…” or “How can you be so stupid..”Why on earth did you do it like that?”
• Evaluative comments, emphasizing concepts such as: should”, “bad”, “ought”
• Opinions expressed as fact, e.g., “Nobody wants to behave like that” or “That’s a useless way to do it

 

Passive-Aggressive:

• Appears upset but refuses to admit it
• Silent treatment or ghosting 
• Sarcastic or condescending undertone
• Acting moody without explaining why
• Focus on problems but not on solutions

 

Boundaries with others can be divided into 4 main areas: Family, Work, Romance and Friendship.

 

Boundaries with Family

 

As you get older, you start to lean away from your parents’ influence. This is an essential part of becoming an adult. I carried a lot of guilt around being a ‘bad daughter’. I found it difficult to separate my own needs and desires from my parents’ expectations of me. Maybe some of you can relate to this. 

 

Boundaries with your parents look like this:

 

• Being open about how you feel and expressing your opinions 
• Managing your time and finances in a way that works best for you and your lifestyle
• Not allowing them to force you or guilt-trip you into attending every family event 
• Not badmouthing your partner infront of your parents 
• Saying no 
• Introducing your partner to your parents only when you feel ready 
• Handling your own issues with others 
• Not allowing them unannounced visits at your home
• Saying no to gifts that are given with the hope to get specific outcome from you 
• Telling your parents that you don’t want to discuss topics that make you feel uncomfortable such as your dating life, having kids, getting married, or any other 
• Staying in a hotel instead of family house when you visit them if you wish
• Not allowing them to push you into living your life on their terms

 

Examples:

 

• “Before you stop by to visit, I’d like you to call.” 
• “I know that you mean well and want the best for me, but I need to handle things in my life and relationship without your interference.
• “I understand how important it is to you that I remain connected to my family, but I need to have my own space. Let me decide how I want to maintain connections.”
• “When I have issues with my sister, I don’t want you to get in the middle. We are adults and can resolve it between us.” 
• “I won’t accept money from you if it comes with the intention to control me.” 

 

Boundaries in romantic relationships

 

Every relationship operates on its own unique set of rules and boundaries. It’s up to you to discover what you want in your relationship and to communicate it.

For example, if having kids is important to you, then it’s better to express it rather sooner than later. This way, both you and your potential partner can determine whether you’re compatible for each other.

Otherwise you might end up pushing your partner or yourself to become a square peg in the round hole.

Open communication and honesty are one of the main pillars of every healthy relationship. 

 

Some questions to ask yourself:

 

• How do you envision your relationship?
• What are your top 5 needs in a relationship?
• Are your values compatible?
• What are your deal breakers?
• Do you believe in monogamy?
• What do you consider cheating?
• How will you share your finances and household duties?
• Is it ok to talk to others about your issues with your relationship?

 

Boundaries and friendships

 

Building connections with others can definitely make our lives more rewarding and enjoyable. It’s always a good sign if your friends want to see you grow.

 

Green flags in friendship:

 

• your friendship is mutually supportive and beneficial
• you feel safe to express your vulnerability including your quirks and insecurities
• setting boundaries doesn’t threaten friendship
• you can be yourself around your friends
• you can talk to them openly about your feelings.

 

Red flags in friendship:

 

• Chronic complaining and gossiping 
• Competitiveness and jealousy
• You feel emotionally drained after your interactions
• They talk badly about you behind your bag
• They share your private matters with others
• Can’t be mature about disagreements 
• The friend is around only when she or he needs something from you
• It’s all about them

 

If your friendship is toxic rather than nurturing then it might be best to first communicate our concerns. Considering it still doesn’t make any difference, the next step would be distancing yourself from them or completely cut them off. 

 

Boundaries and work

 

Some boundary issues at work can include taking on more than you can handle, working overtime without pay, engaging in toxic interactions amongst colleagues, not taking time off.

 

Examples:

 

• “Let’s chat during lunch. I have a few projects I need to push through.”
• “I have a lot of things on my plate, so I can’t help you with your project.”
• “I cannot work past five o’clock.” 
• “I don’t check work emails while on vacation.” 
• “I need more assistance with my workload.” 
• “I don’t talk about personal subjects at work. It makes me uncomfortable.”
•  “If you want to chat, let’s have lunch together; that way, I can focus on our conversation.” 
• “Thank you for inviting me to hang out with you this weekend, but I won’t be able to make it.” 
• “I don’t want to grab drinks after work, but how about going to a yoga class?” 
• “I’m not available to help you with your request after hours. I like to focus my time on my family.”

 

Resources:

Boundaries test to find out if you have healthy boundaries

Set Healthy Boundaries Worksheet

 

References: 

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Centre for clinical interventions in Australia

Unfuck Your Boundaries Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs by Faith G. Harper

–

 

When we use the word independence, usually we are implying that it’s a positive quality or even a strength. True independence empowers us to act rather than let others or our circumstances dictate our lives. It’s about taking responsibility for our own lives. There is nothing wrong with being self-reliant and independent. It’s the ultra-independence to an extent of never asking for help that is an issue.

The inability to ask for help and receive support stems from trauma.  Let me explain why. 

Ultra-independence is an armour to protect our hearts from vulnerability, abuse, neglect, betrayal, loss of self or disappointment. In other words, it’s an armour that developed as a result of experiences that hurt us. 

It could be the loss of our loved one and the decision to never risk that type of heartbreak again.

It could be trauma from the parent who was absent due to divorce or a parent who was never home from working multiple jobs to provide food and shelter for the family. 

It could be pain from the superficial relationships which were lacking a true heart to heart connection. 

It could be lies, betrayals and disillusionments that we experienced. 

It could be the moments when we needed help the most, only to be left on our own. 

It could be the fear of losing ourselves in another. 

It could be trauma connected to our previous experiences with asking for help and its negative consequences. When accepting help from someone was a transaction with invisible strings attached.

It could be the moments when we were shamed or made to feel guilty for asking for something.

 

Ultra-independence And Lack of Trust 

 

Ultra independence can develop as a result of experiences that made us conclude that people, the world or even ourselves can’t be trusted. 

That we can’t trust ourselves to choose trustworthy people and read red flags. That we can’t trust others and the world to have our best interests at heart. 

And so we decide it’s better to do everything on our own. We decide that we don’t need anybody else. In doing so, we will prevent potential disappointment or pain. 

It could even be a wound that was passed down from previous generations. 

The issue is that when we build the walls to protect ourselves from pain, we end up imprisoning ourselves within these same walls. 

When we cut ourselves from potential pain, hurt or betrayal, we also cut ourselves from potential love, joy or connection. 

When we assume that others and the world will fail us, we can unconsciously recreate the situations that make us feel betrayed to reaffirm that core belief. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

This is why it’s beneficial to become aware of these wounds and patterns so that we can intentionally choose to work through them and change them to what we prefer. 

Not one of us came here so we could live our lives carefully. For if we live our lives too carefully, we will simply find that we have arrived at death safely. I decided long ago that kind of life was not for me. That was also a good decision. A decision that has led me to more scrapes and bruises but also more meaning and wonder. And as a result, I have learnt that the person who doesn’t risk anything, risk everything. ~ Teal Swan

I remember one day when I fainted and couldn’t stand back up on my two feet. It felt so uncomfortable to ask for help that I would rather remain helpless on the ground than to request for help. 

I burst into tears from my own feeling of helplessness and vulnerability. My tears tasted like pain, self-importance and fear of looking weak. It was only at that moment when I realized I couldn’t continue like this anymore. My protective armour had cracked. 

It doesn’t have to get that far for us to change. 

 

Difference Between Dependence, Independence, Ultra-independence, Interdependence and Codependency

 

Independence is the paradigm of I-I can do it; I am responsible; I am self-reliant; I can choose. 

Dependence is the paradigm of you- you take care of me, you decide for me, it’s your fault, it’s the government’s fault, etc.

Interdependence is the paradigm of we-we can do it, we can cooperate.

Ultraindependence is the paradigm of I don’t need anyone else. I will do it all by myself.

Codependency is the paradigm of I need someone or something else to complete me. I need people for approval to affirm my sense of identity and inner security. I need another person’s weakness to fulfill my need.

Healthy independence is a noble pursuit but it is not the ultimate goal.

Life is, by nature highly interdependent. ~ Stephen Covey

We can see it in our ecosystem. The definition of the ecosystem is an area where plants, animals, and other organisms, as well as weather and landscape, work together to form a web of life. 

When I am interdependent, I am self-reliant and capable, but I also realize that if you and I work together, we can accomplish far more than, we could ever do alone. 

If I am emotionally interdependent, I derive a  sense of worth within myself rather than deriving it from others, but I also recognize the need for love and for giving and receiving love from others. 

If I am intellectually interdependent, I realize that two brains are better than one.

Interdependent people combine their own efforts with the efforts of others to achieve greater outcomes. To achieve synergy.

It’s important to point out that the stepping stone to healthy interdependence is first developing healthy independence. This requires a level of self-mastery and developing a strong core of internal security. Jumping from dependence right into interdependence is more likely going to result in codependent dynamics.

To sum it all up, disappointments don’t need to lead to bitterness, isolation or ultra-independence. They can lead to more self-awareness and better discernment. 

If one thing didn’t turn out the way we wanted, it doesn’t mean that all things or all people are going to be the same. 

To find out more about how our wounds affect our adult lives, read this article.

 

I recently had an individual who reached out for coaching and wanted help to deal with her suppressed anger. She grew up in a household with a lot of secrets. If she voiced her opinion, she would be told to calm down or simply dismissed. As a result, she never felt heard or understood. All of this would make her really frustrated. 

Suppressing our anger often stems from what we learnt in childhood as part of our social conditioning. Anger as a form of expression is often discouraged as it can lead to conflict. We’re shamed for anger. We learn that it’s not ok to feel it. 

 

Example Of Beliefs Around Suppressed Anger

 

The idea of suppressing anger comes from beliefs such as:

“I need to perform in order to be loved.”

“Anger is bad, I must suppress it.” 

“A good person doesn’t get angry.” 

“Conflict destroys relationships.”

 

Helping my client with her suppressed anger reminded me of the areas where I have bottled up my own anger. Something that I spent a great deal of time unravelling within myself. I learnt in my childhood that saying something that is not pleasant to hear or opposing the views of my father would be met with anger, dismissal, condescension or withdrawal. 

These reactions from my father taught me at a young age that it was safer to ‘bite my tongue’ and keep my opinions to myself.  

Besides this, it taught me to be hyper attuned to what others wanted to hear. This was somewhat a double-edged sword. It enabled me to read and feel people, to understand the nuances of human emotion but it also had a shadow aspect to it.

I kept censoring my own voice in order to maintain the status quo, to avoid conflict and consequences. 

In doing so, I only displayed aspects of me that were deemed ‘acceptable’. 

But eventually, it got to a point when I couldn’t live like that anymore. To deny my own truth in order to fit into somebody else’s box. 

I no longer wanted to filter and water down who I was. I decided to speak my truth even if it was difficult, to express my boundaries and stand for what I felt was right. 

 

When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction. ~ Peter Bromberg

All of this was a hard pill to swallow. I was mourning my lost voice, my lost self. I was angry about how I treated myself, how I allowed others to walk over me. All of this stemmed from the beliefs that I wasn’t worthy, that my words didn’t matter and that my life didn’t matter. 

Tears were rolling down my cheeks but this time I was honouring them.

There was so much unspoken anger that I felt the paper I was writing might ignite in flames. 

But with every written word I felt lighter until there was just a silent blank page. And I listened. I listened to the beat of my heart. And I felt life flowing more rapidly through my veins again. 

As if that fire reawakened the natural rhythm and flow of energy in me. I didn’t know for how long it would last but for now, I felt light.  Emotional liberation comes from releasing and integrating all spectrum of our emotions, even those that are more unpleasant to feel. 

Anger is never wrong. It communicates to us that there is some situation that we don’t like and want to change but feel powerless to do so. 

It’s ok to feel anger as well as any other emotions. If we feel anger, then there is a valid reason for us to feel it. Whether that reason is internal or external. 

So the very first step would be to embrace anger, to own it. That doesn’t mean to go and punch someone in the nose because we feel angry. Expressing our anger in a healthy way could look like screaming into a pillow or even punching a pillow, going for a run, kickboxing, setting healthy boundaries or journaling. By writing all the angry, nasty thoughts that play out in our heads, we finally express how we feel and give our emotions a voice.  In doing so, we can often experience a release of tension. 

The question is what do we feel powerless about? 

Is it just our perception or is this situation truly unworkable? 

What is our anger trying to communicate to us? 

What is the actual need behind the anger? 

How can we make an unworkable situation workable again? 

When the anger is fully felt and acknowledged and if necessary an appropriate action is taken, eventually, it runs its course. It’s the resistance and suppression that makes anger to perpetuate and can gradually develop into aggression. This then becomes way more destructive. When it boils up to the surface after being repressed for too long, it makes us react in unhealthy ways. Alternatively, if we continue suppressing it, we can drop into depression which is an ongoing feeling of powerlessness.

Anger can be beneficial in order to pull us out of feeling victimized or afraid. It’s forward-moving energy and sometimes it can actually be a stepping stone to feeling empowered again. 

Anger And Boundaries

Anger is often a byproduct of having a lack of boundaries.

People get angry when they fail to assert themselves. 

Anger is a vital component for recognizing where our boundaries stand. It can be fuel for action. When we finally say, enough is enough.

Setting boundaries is simply expressing what we prefer. Being straightforward. Saying how we feel. Asking for changes. Standing for what we believe in, despite potential disapproval. Saying no without having a need to make excuses or justify our preference.  At the same time, it doesn’t give us a right to control or exert power over another. It also doesn’t mean that we will always get what we want. Our focus should be to create enough awareness in the other so that they can change themselves through recognizing the violation and potential consequences.

We can assert ourselves in a calm and confident manner. If we don’t do that at an appropriate time, it can gradually develop into anger and resentment towards ourselves or others. We then think that the only way to express our preference is by demanding and forcing others through aggressiveness. 

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. ~ Brene Brown

Step by step process for releasing and integrating anger and emotions in general

 

1. Validate the emotion – you can do that by saying: No wonder I’m feeling this way. 

 

2. Identify and locate it in your body – Can you name the emotion? In what part of the body do you feel the sensation activated by your emotion? If you feel the sensation in more than one part of the body, see in which part it is more dominant. 

 

3. Observe the emotion – What sensations do you feel? Is it warmth, tightness, tension, etc.? Focus on your breath. Be present with it. 

 

4. Personify your emotion – How does your emotion look? Is it a colour, a form of energy?  If your emotion was a character/person how would it look? How old would it be? Would it be a female or male? What would be her/his name? What happens sometimes is that your emotion can take the form of a younger version of you. It may be linked to some specific time of your life or memory.

 

5. Give your emotion a voice – Is there any message that your emotion wants you to hear, know or see? If there is some message, it helps to write it down. This process makes the thoughts more tangible. Write down what your emotion wants to express. Is there any thought or belief that makes you feel this way?

 

6. Meet the need behind that emotion – If you see a character or younger version of yourself, you can explore his/her needs. Sometimes all that is required of you is to just be present with her/him, to see her/him, to hear her/him. And sometimes he/she might need you to provide a feeling of safety, love or belonging. You could imagine hugging that aspect of you in your visualization or merging with it. Immerse yourself into the emotion, into that aspect of you. Sometimes the need will require to be expressed externally. For example, if your friend constantly keeps breaking promises, you might need to have a difficult conversation and express how it makes you feel. 

In order to find out more about how to release “negative emotions”, check this article.

 

Right now we’re living interesting and uncertain times in the world. The old paradigms are falling apart, making space for new paradigms to emerge. A paradigm shift is a breakthrough from an old way of thinking. This transformation process usually comes with some level of resistance. 

It seems as if the world has been put on hold giving us an opportunity to reflect and redefine.

What seeds are we planting for this new cycle?

Do we keep getting stuck in old ways and making choices out of scarcity, fear, or past conditioning?

Or are we planting seeds of higher vision, new possibilities, and unity?

Regardless of what’s going on in the world right now, we can still choose to take charge of our lives. We don’t need to let external factors control our lives.

The global paradigm shift involves every individual.

Here is the summary of some of the major paradigm shifts that we’re moving towards in 2020 and beyond:

 

1.Paradigm Shift From Competition To Cooperation

 

Our current paradigm says that life is a competition,  ‘survival of the fittest’. That only the best can win and that there is a finite number of resources. The more others win, the less there is for you. That means you need to be selfish in order to get your piece of cake. It also breeds envy and jealousy among people. 

Zero-sum games no longer belong to our new paradigm. It is about seeking mutual benefit in all human interactions and endeavors. This could be summarized as looking for win-win scenarios or mastering the art of ‘we’. 

However, before we can move to healthy interdependence, we need to first develop our own independence. 

True independence empowers us to act rather than be acted upon. ~ Stephen Covey

Without healthy independence, we can easily slip into a lose/win mindset rather than a win/win mindset. Lose/win means pleasing people in order to get approval, love, acceptance, or avoid conflict and consequences. This is not any better than a win/lose competitive mindset as both of these strategies breed resentment in the long run. 

Many great things have been accomplished by the independent will of a determined soul. But the greatest opportunities and achievements of this new era are reserved for those who think abundantly in terms of creative cooperation and apply their heart to their work, not only their mind.

That brings me to point number 2.

 

2. Paradigm Shift From Brain To Heart

 

In the past jobs were about muscles, now they’re about brains, but in future, they’ll be about the heart.~ Minouche Shafik

With the expansion of AI technologies, we’re getting to a point when many professions can be replaced by machines. Automation is everywhere.  Whether it’s the self-checkout at grocery stores, self-driving cars, automated email correspondence or chatbots instead of customer service representatives. 

This is not necessarily a negative thing. Many traditional jobs that are repetitive and don’t require much creative thinking can be well suited for robots. What makes us unique from robots is our empathy, compassion, creativity, intuition, personal touch. Caring and creative jobs can’t be replaced by robots. 

What meaning would our lives have if we didn’t go to a job every day? Many people never get to a point of asking this question as they’re too busy paying their bills. 

Losing or changing a job can bring about a real personal crisis. However, it can also be an opportunity to discover and repurpose the unique gifts of individuals.  

Naturally, the question arises in me: But isn’t it important to have harmony between both brain and heart? The answer is yes. However, in today’s world, we’re more often living and expressing from our mind rather than the heart. Therefore the heart element is what’s missing and needs more attention at this point. 

 

3. Paradigm Shift From Polarity And Separation To Unity 

 

Life is full of paradoxes. What we’re currently experiencing is more polarization.  Through polarization and our differences, we can learn more about ourselves. 

Polarities are merely two sides of the same coin. 

The new world of 2020 and beyond is about embracing the whole spectrum. It means accepting both light and shadow, positive and negative, feminine and masculine, black and white. Out of merging two polarities,  something new can arise. A third option – unity. 

It is a shift from thinking this or that to this and that. It is about being open to seeing other perspectives and different angles of reality. 

Another aspect of this paradigm shift is no longer seeing ourselves as separate. Separate from other people, from the universe, from nature, from other species. 

The truth is we’re all connected through the invisible field. We can’t hurt anyone without hurting ourselves. Intelligence without including our hearts can become destructive in many ways. For example, producing as much food as quickly as possible for the maximized profit without caring about the effect of pesticides and chemicals on our health and environment. 

 

3. Paradigm Shift From Complaining To Taking Responsibility

 

A new world of 2020 and beyond is about taking responsibility for our past choices. This includes individual and collective choices. 

Our shadows are brought up to the surface giving us an opportunity to integrate them. 

How have we been treating the environment? How have we been treating each other? There is still a lot of healing that needs to be done. 

It’s easy to point the finger at others or external circumstances but the truth is that our lives are the result of our choices. Our outer world is the reflection of our inner worlds. The question is: Are we going to repeat the same mistakes, turn blind eye to our problems, or are we going to face our shadows and make wiser choices? 

 

4. Paradigm Shift From Dependence To Self-sustainability 

 

Lastly, I would like to talk about the theme of self-sustainability and sovereignty. 

Many of us don’t like the governments but can we truly govern ourselves? 

Can we be kind to each other without the laws? Can we sustain ourselves without the government? 

After many lives being put on hold due to pandemic, people realized that they can’t rely on the ‘system’ to provide what they need.

Having our own place, homegrown food, an alternative source of energy and income seems the way to go. 

This also includes supporting the local economy, agriculture, and small businesses. We’re too dependent on getting our supplies and food delivered from outside the country. When one link in the supply chain fails, it creates a domino effect.

All these changes can only take place if we change our understanding of reality. This process starts withing every individual.

I would like to end this article with some of the exercises that are aligned with where we’re heading as a collective.

Exercise no. 1: 

When you’re faced with a difficult situation or decision, ask yourself: How would love deal with it? How would love see it? How can I approach this with love? What would a person who loves themselves do?

Exercise no. 2:

Instead of looking for differences in people, look at what you have in common with others. This simple exercise can create more closeness with people rather than separation.

Excercise no.3:

Practice seeing the creator/divine aspect in others and in yourself.

Exercise no. 4:

Do random acts of kindness. It could be as simple as holding a door for someone, buying a coffee for a colleague, giving a compliment or giving the right of way at an intersection. 

 

Grounding is one of the effective ways to quickly feel centred. To ground yourself means to become present and connected with your body and Earth. If you fully embrace grounding techniques as part of your daily practice, it can have numerous positive benefits in your life. 

 

Questions to ask yourself

 

Do you get distracted easily?

Do you often zone out and lose focus?

Are you constantly worrying and overthinking?

Do you feel anxious, overwhelmed or drained? 

Are you obsessing about your personal image?

Do you have a problem with inflammation, insomnia or chronic pain?

Do you lack clarity and find it difficult to discern what is right for you?

 

If you answered yes to some of these questions then there’s a good chance that you could experience improvements in these areas by grounding yourself. 

 

Benefits Of Grounding 

 

Grounding enables you to feel more connected with yourself and your environment. When you’re grounded, it is easier to think from a place of clarity and personal integrity. It also helps you to reduce stress, restore your energy and balance your emotions. Grounding is especially beneficial when you feel anxious, overwhelmed, drained, angry or confused.  There is a variety of different grounding techniques that you can implement into your daily practice. Here are some of my favourites:

 

Grounding techniques 

 

1. Walk barefoot

When you’re walking in nature, the Earth’s tranquil energy naturally transmits into your body. From a scientific perspective, Earth contains a negative charge. When you walk, sit or lie on the ground, the electrons of Earth are conducted into your body. Your frequency aligns with the frequency of the Earth. Through this process stagnant energy within the body can be transmuted, helping you to feel more energized, calm and centred.

 

 

2. Physical movement

Any type of physical movement will bring you in sync with your body. Whether it’s dance or exercise – especially the exercises that stimulate the root chakra (hips, pelvic, lower back, legs, feet)

 

3. Engage your senses 

Bring attention to what’s happening in your surroundings. Engage all your senses. What do you hear, What can you see? Is there any scent? You can touch objects that are close to you. Observe them with a child-like curiosity. What shape are they, what colour, what material are they made of? Is the surface soft or rough?

 

4. Body Scan

This process involves scanning your whole body internally from tip to toes. Gradually bring full awareness into different parts of your body. You can start with your toes. What sensations do you feel? Is there any warmth, tension, heaviness, tingliness?

Just observe and notice what you perceive. Continue the process with all body parts until you reach the head. 

 

5. Breathwork

When we’re stressed or anxious our breathing tends to become more shallow. With shallow breathing, the air is only drawn into the chest. When we breathe deeply into our stomach, it signals the body to relax deeper. This helps to reduce the tension within the nervous system.  When there’s no tension in the body, there’s no fear either.  There are many useful yogic breathing techniques that you can work with. You can try square breathing or breath of fire. 

 

 6. Eat root vegetables

Any vegetables that grow under the ground will be beneficial for purposes of grounding. Some examples are potatoes, carrots, parsnips, beets, sweet potatoes and radishes. 

 

7. Take an Epsom salt bath or have a massage

 

8. Sound 

Listen to binaural beats which specifically target the root chakra. This helps to heighten the connection to your body. What can be even more fun is attending a sound bath meditation. Instead of just hearing the sound, you can fully immerse yourself with the vibrations of sound.

 

9. Grounding Meditation 

There are many different variations of grounding meditations that you can find on the internet. I personally like this one: 

Stand or sit with your feet pressed firmly on the ground. Close your eyes and imagine that your feet are roots of a tree. These roots reach all the way down into the core of the Earth. Nestled within the core of the Earth are beautiful, large red crystals. Now imagine these roots extending from your feet and winding around these vibrant crystals. Take a moment to breathe and feel this connection.  This connection then returns to your body until it reaches your heart where this feeling is stored. I like to imagine that my heartbeat is in sync with the heartbeat of the Earth and the Universe at large. To bring awareness to your heart, place your hands on your heart so that you can feel your pulse. 

 

Our emotions influence how we think, act and feel.  Therefore learning how to feel, process, and release emotions are one of the most important skills we can learn in life. Both positive and ‘negative’ emotions have their place and purpose. Our body has a natural mechanism of releasing build-up emotions if we don’t withhold, suppress or deny them.  Generally, we have more difficulty in processing and releasing ‘negative’ emotions. Here are some tips on how to process and release blocked emotions:

 

Stop running away from ‘negative’ emotions

Emotions can be released only once they are fully experienced. ‘Negative’ emotions that we suppressed or haven’t dealt with will resurface again calling for integration and completion.  The key aspect of this process is to be fully present with our ‘negative’ emotions once they arise. We could also call it being grounded in our bodies.  Sounds simple, yet our most common response when we feel discomfort or emotional pain is to either deny, reject or distract ourselves. There are different ways of distraction.  It could be binge eating, watching Netflix, scrolling social media, drinking alcohol, etc. This cycle generally goes on until we become more aware of our emotions or a crisis forces us to pay more attention and go within. 

Is there any message that your emotions want you to hear, see or know?

A big part of working with our emotions is to become more attuned with our bodies. To help with this, you can read more about grounding techniques here.

 

Become a neutral observer

Instead of resisting what you feel, wanting to get rid of it or judging it, allow yourself to fully embrace ‘negative’ emotion. By observing the emotion without negative self-talk, it can change the intensity of the emotional charge.

What kind of feeling is equivalent to the sensation that you have in your body?

In which part of the body is it present?

How would you describe it?

Is it in a form of tension in your stomach, head, throat, chest?

Is there warmth in your face,  do you have sweaty palms?

Which level of intensity?

Is it a shame, guilt, anger, sorrow, anxiety?

What are you thinking that causes you to feel this way?

This process will enable you to become more familiar with your emotions and what you feel. The unprocessed emotions are usually stored in the body in the form of stagnant/blocked energy.  If they are ignored for too long, then they can gradually manifest into a physical illness.

 

Find a new perspective or realization

Once you acknowledge, validate and fully feel your ‘negative’ emotion, you can find a new way of looking at the situation. This may improve the way you feel. You can imagine how you would prefer to react if this ‘negative’ emotion arises again.

When you start processing your ‘negative’ emotions, it’s not uncommon for other emotions to surface which you weren’t previously aware of. For example, you can find that underneath your anger, lies sadness. So in this case, anger was just a cover-up for a deeper emotion of sadness. Honour the process of uncovering blocked emotions as they’re an opportunity to leave heavy emotional ‘baggage’ behind and become lighter. You can ask yourself:

“What opportunity for more connection and love/integration and strength/ or creativity is this offering me”?

 

Is it possible to be addicted to emotions?

As important as it is to validate, acknowledge and listen to your emotions. It is equally as important to not dwell on certain emotions longer than necessary, no not get completely absorbed by them.  The latest studies in neuroscientific research reveal that we can get addicted to our emotions. Most of us can think of a person who is addicted to melancholy, guilt, anxiety or their worries. When we get trapped in an emotional addiction we are essentially stuck in a ‘thinking-feeling loop’. Our thoughts trigger biochemical reactions in our brain that cause us to feel the emotions equivalent to our thoughts.  These emotions further fuel more thoughts that are equal to that emotional state. If we continue to feed this loop on a frequent basis, our body becomes addicted and habituated to this biochemical cocktail. It becomes our mood and eventually part of our identity. We hold on to these emotions because they are familiar or because they are serving us in some way.

Is there any potential hidden benefit that I get by holding onto this emotion?

Is it perhaps keeping me safe?

If so, what is it keeping me safe from?

What would change if I let go of this emotion?

The way to break this cycle is through awareness and imagination. We need to become aware of these ‘negative’ thoughts and emotional patterns that we are feeding.  Once we have gained realization or understanding of these patterns, we can then choose the thoughts that we prefer. We can use our imagination to create new internal states.

How would it feel like to be empowered, fulfilled, grateful, relaxed, joyful…?

 

Final Word 

Every emotion is valid and has its place.  To feel is to be alive. It’s an essential part of the human experience. Without our emotions, we would not be aware of our most fundamental needs. Emotions also give us fuel or energy to act. There will be situations in life that will cause different reactions in us,  and this is Ok. It’s more about learning the tools on how to deal with those situations with more ease. Feel the emotions, pay attention to them but don’t let them consume you.