Kamila & Tim

Artwork by Alexander Milov / image by just_shot_of_jameson

 

The way we are raised and the experiences we have during childhood create imprints that have a lasting impact on our lives.

These imprints influence and color the lens through which we interpret and experience the world. If our goal is to create greater awareness, it’s vital to uncover and heal the wounded inner child within us. 

The inner child is the spontaneous, energetic, creative and playful aspect of our personality.  It is the part of us that wants to shine through and fully embrace life. 

These aspects can get shut down with childhood wounding.

The truth is that this ‘inner child’ remains with us throughout our lifetime.  Through your own observation process, you can uncover this ‘inner child’ in yourself and others. 

A great deal of the healing processes and the development of an integrated psyche require inner child work.   

In every adult there lurks a child – an eternal child, something that is becoming, is never completed and calls for unceasing care, attention and education. That is the part of the human personality which waits to develop and become whole. ~ Carl Jung

It is easy to fool the intellect or numb the emotions with medication, but as Dr. Bassel Van Der Kolk says, the body keeps a record of our inner child wounds. Unresolved emotional trauma will find a way to creep into our lives until such time as we deal with and resolve these patterns. 

 

 

You might also like:

 

Is Hyperindependence a Strenght or Trauma Response?

Do you Have Healthy Boundaries? (Quiz)

How to Release Negative Emotions that Are Blocked

9 Grounding Techniques

17 Lessons on a Journey to Empowered Empath

 

Some Common Indicators of Unresolved Trauma With the Inner Child

 

• Any form of addiction (overeating, alcoholism, sex, drugs, consumerism, gambling, workaholism, etc…)
• Need to always be in control, lack of trust in life and people 
• “Never enough syndrome” or narcissistic personality disorder – ongoing need to be admired and validated by others 
• Fears of abandonment 
• Difficulty and confusion knowing what you want or how you feel  
• Fear of trying something new 
• Difficulty setting boundaries – having a hard time saying no 
• Fear of anger 
• Difficulty expressing your emotions 
• Paranoia and disruptive thought patterns – inability to differentiate between facts and assumptions. 
• Getting Triggered and defensive – misinterpreting and seeing the world through the lens of your inner child wounds or insecurities, which causes you to become emotionally volatile and ungrounded in your thinking
• ‘People pleaser’ syndrome
• Anxiety in social interactions 
• Overly competitive 
• Need to have things your way, or else you will quit
• Fear of making mistakes 
• Feeling guilty if you don’t conform to your parents’ ideals 
• Lack of healthy discipline – procrastination, inability to focus and finish tasks 

 

Types of Inner Child Wounds

 

How the Wounded Inner Child Affects Our Relationships

 

Our wounded inner child will go as far as to influence the type of relationships we attract into our life. These relationships generally mirror the original wounds from our childhood.

In dysfunctional families – secrecy, resentment, numbing of emotions, aggressiveness, control and withdrawal become your first points of reference for future relationships.

We subconsciously recreate and attract these unhealthy dynamics until such time we resolve these patterns.  The way out of these dynamics is through inner work that involves developing greater awareness and embracing our pain.

In order to do this, we have to be willing to give up any facade we put in place as a coping mechanism and access vulnerability. Here are some examples of how the wounded inner child affects our relationships:

 

Projection of Our Disowned Parts 

 

Depending on the degree of awareness, the projection will manifest in a variety of different forms. Projection happens when we externalize our disowned traits onto others.

For example, a person might not be able to recognize that the aversion they feel towards someone is just a mirror that is reflecting back to them the aspects which they have rejected within themselves. 

Conversely, a person might feel magnetically drawn to someone that embodies a positive aspect that they have disowned in themselves.  The next time when you feel a strong judgment or attraction towards someone, ask yourself the question:

Is there something in this person that I rejected in myself?  

 

Dissociation

 

If there were emotions or situations that were too difficult to process in our childhood, we might have developed a coping mechanism of disconnecting from ourselves. Instead of feeling, we learn to disconnect and numb our emotions.

This can happen when you’re in a situation you don’t like and instead of being present, you escape the situation by ‘zoning out’. Physically you are present, but mentally and emotionally, you are not there.

This can cause difficulty later in relationships, particularly if you want to create closeness.  In order to create closeness, you have to be present and emotionally attuned.

 

Harmful Behaviour Towards Others or Yourself

 

We tend to do unto others that which was done onto us. We enter into the role of perpetrator or victim. If we don’t express harmful behavior onto others, it can take the form of punishment towards ourselves.

This punishment can manifest itself as addictions that are harmful to our body and mind, entering into abusive relationships, eating disorders or outright physical harm onto ourselves e.g. punching or cutting ourselves.

 

Narcissistic Tendencies 

 

When we feel rejected or do not have unconditional love mirrored to us in our early years of development, it can spawn narcissistic tendencies later in life.

To please narcissistic parents’ expectations for a child’s behavior and personality can turn into an impossible task. The child of a narcissistic parent is constantly criticized, belittled or only praised for high achievements and being compliant.

This child grows into an adult with low self-esteem who overcompensates for it by seeking external validation and self-worth through achievement and success. 

It is also a child who grows to believe that the world is a harsh and hostile place. Adult narcissists are infused with feelings of shame, rage and distrust. They become emotionally cold and believe that the only way to have their needs met is through manipulating others.

As you can imagine, this can lead to many dysfunctions in relationships later in life. Dysfunctions such as using other people’s vulnerabilities as ammunition, a lack of empathy, an inability to take responsibility for one’s mistakes and manipulation tactics. 

 

Codependency

 

Children who were raised by narcissistic parents can also develop into codependents. Underlying both a narcissist and a codependent is the belief that connection can only be achieved by presenting a false identity or through manipulating others. 

Deep down, they believe that they are not worthy of love.  Where the two differ is that a codependent becomes overly focused on the needs of another, whilst a narcissistic person becomes overly involved with themself. 

A codependent person depends upon another or something external to meet their needs in an unhealthy/indirect way.

For example, a person becomes a perpetual victim in order to get sympathy or attention.  Or they may meet their need for feeling good and validated by constantly playing the role of ‘rescuer’ in a relationship.

We could say that codependent people derive their self-esteem from feeling ‘needed’ or by ‘sacrificing’ themselves to help others. The irony is that even if they present their actions as ‘self-sacrificing’, their underlying motives are still self-centred. 

 

Trust Issues And Fear of Intimacy

 

The development of trust begins to form in the first 15 months of life. The ability to trust forms in the bonding process between caregivers and the infant. This bonding starts with physical contact. It then extends to how your emotional and physical needs are tended to.

If you have your needs covered during this vulnerable period of life, your ability to trust the world will outweigh your mistrust.  For example, having somebody to soothe you when you cry or feed you when you’re hungry develops trust that we can count on the world. Trust that the world is friendly and not a hostile place.

If these needs are not met during this vulnerable period, then the opposite will be true. We will feel let down and guarded. This process also influences our ability to learn.  Learning is a process of exploration. We can only learn if we feel safe exploring the world.

Mistrust is also created during childhood if parents violate the personal truth of a child and disguise it under the pretense that they are acting for the child’s ‘own good’.

It is important to remember that parents who do this aren’t usually aware that they are acting in their own best interest and not in the child’s interest.

If mistrust is created in childhood, then it makes it difficult for us to believe that people have our best interest at heart later in life. We may push others away, although deep down, we crave connection.

 

Enmeshment/ Loss of Self

 

Enmeshment is a consequence of trauma that occurred in childhood when our sense of self wasn’t acknowledged. Many parents seek validation through their children. If a child has opposing desires to the parent, then it may be met with disapproval or withdrawal.

Any behavior that parent (s) considers improper threatens their security and sense of identity. In other words, parents don’t respect child’s personal boundaries.  

This can result in you believing that the only way for someone to love you is by abandoning yourself. You play a certain role that will make you more lovable.

You feel responsible for other people’s feelings. In order to meet the need for connection, you give up your personal truth. You become a chameleon, constantly changing your colors depending on who you are dealing with. As a result, you don’t feel loved for who you truly are. 

 

Fear of Abandonment

 

Abandonment trauma can happen through physical absence as well as physical presence/ emotional neglect. Trauma caused by emotional neglect is oftentimes far more painful than actual physical absence.

If we experienced abandonment trauma, we might become overly attached to our relationship. Attached to such an extent that we won’t be able to leave someone even if that person is emotionally, mentally or physically abusive.

Fear of abandonment can also manifest as building walls around ourselves so no one can hurt us again. 

 

***

Reaching our physical maturity does not immediately imply that we have reached our mental or emotional maturity. Emotional immaturity can manifest as having to depend on the opinions of others to feel a sense of self-worth, not having healthy boundaries or lack of attunement with our emotions.

Parents who are out of touch with their own emotions cannot model healthy emotional intelligence to their children. As a result, these children grow into adults who have no idea how to deal with emotions.

In order to reach full maturity, it is important to reparent the aspects of our wounded inner child. We need guidance to learn how to recognize and meet our emotional needs in a healthy way.  

 

Some Tips On Healing the Wounded Inner Child

 

1. Get an Early Photo of Yourself  

 

Get a photo of yourself,  preferably a photo of yourself before the age of seven years. You can put this photo in your wallet or on your desk so that it can be a reminder of the child that lives in you.

It can also serve as a reminder to pay more attention to your inner voice.

Could you cultivate more loving and nurturing thoughts towards yourself?

Guided meditation or doing the activities that you used to love as a child can be another way you get in touch with your inner child.

 

2. Write a Letter to Your Inner Child

 

Love and acknowledge this part of yourself – your inner child within, in the form of writing. Express the intention to do your best in order to heal his or her wounds.

Allow yourself to grieve, feel anger or any other emotion that may arise when reconnecting with your painful childhood memories. Children are sometimes shamed for crying or being angry.  This blocks the energy in the body.

Sadness is an energy that can allow us to heal. Anger can allow us to understand when our boundaries have been violated. Every emotion is valid and has its purpose.

In order to reconnect with our inner child, we need to re-experience emotions that we suppressed.

 

3. Get Your Wounded Inner Child Needs Met as an Adult in a Healthy Way

 

For example, if you felt neglected as a child by your parent(s), you can find a supportive group of friends who accept you for who you are.

Sometimes it can be sufficient to meet your inner child’s needs through inner journey work. When you discover moments where you felt let down as a child, you can visualize your adult self protecting your inner child and accommodating his or her needs. 

 

4. Become Attuned With Your Emotions and Learn How to Release Them. 

 

For more information on how to become more attuned with your emotions, you can check this article. 

 

5. Integrate Your Disowned Parts

 

Pay close attention to yourself – especially to your triggers and to the areas where you have strong judgements.

What is it in this person that I judge?

Could it be that I judge the same aspect within myself?

 

Final Word

 

Our inner child is the spontaneous, energetic, creative and playful aspect of us.  No one had a perfect childhood. Everyone bears the unresolved unconscious patterns of their ancestral lineage.

When our inner child becomes wounded by trauma or loss, it continues to have a ripple effect on our adult life.  By reconnecting with and healing our wounded inner child, we can get more in touch with our true essence.  This naturally leads to more authentic expression, freedom and inner peace. 

 

For many who struggle with anxiety, depression, alienation or self-doubt, uncovering toxic shame as the root cause can be one of the greatest discoveries on our journey toward wholeness and liberation.  

What Is Toxic Shame?

 

Healthy shame is a natural reaction – it signals to us our limits.  It, however, becomes corrosive to our lives when shame transforms into a permanent state of being.  This permanent emotional state is what is referred to as ‘toxic shame’.  To have toxic shame is to believe that there is something defective about you that needs to be replaced or remain hidden.  

When you live with toxic shame, it feels like you are prayed upon. As if there is a hunter at your shoulder ready to strike. Toxic shame is all about secrecy. You are constantly on guard, hiding the aspects of you that you don’t want to have exposed or seen. ~ John Bradshaw

Anxiety and inauthenticity are often a byproduct of toxic shame.  Toxic shame makes us create a completely inauthentic identity – a performer that stays with us throughout our lives. A facade that requires vast amounts of energy to maintain.

It is only when we come into alignment with all aspects of the self. In particular, those aspects which we have rejected and hidden, that we begin to live life in a deeper state of grace.  This process involves ‘shadow work’ and ‘integration’.

 

 

Difference Between Shame And Guilt

It’s important to decipher the subtlety between guilt and shame. Guilt means you recognize that you have done something wrong. Toxic shame involves the belief that something is inherently wrong with you. If shame becomes internalized into one’s identity, then we live in a permanent state of feeling inadequate, inferior, unworthy and not good enough. 

Guilt is about doing, shame is about being. 

How Is Toxic Shame Created?

Parents that haven’t processed their own toxic shame will consciously or unconsciously pass it onto their children.  It can also be passed on through the culture or society we are born into, depending on its value system.

From an evolutionary standpoint, connection with our family or “tribe” directly correlates with our survival. In order to fit into the structure of our family and the larger society, we disown, suppress or reject the aspects that are not deemed acceptable.

In other words, we trade parts of ourselves to feel connected, accepted and therefore safe. This process creates fractures within the developing psyche of the child. In doing so, they are unable to completely accept and love themselves. 

 

 

Children’s self-esteem is developed through a mirroring process. In other words, they learn about themselves through the way others react to them.  Reactions such as rejection, abuse, criticism, withdrawal, lack of support, disapproval or invalidation give children the message that there is something undesirable about them. 

It is usually through the meaning they assign to these moments that they begin to create a negative self-image and low selfesteem which includes beliefs such as “I am insignificant, I am not lovable, or there is something wrong with me.” 

 

Internal Critic

 

This negative self-image can gradually develop into self-hate and ongoing internal critic. No matter how much you try to please this inner critic, nothing will ever be good enough. It will demand more, and it will place unrealistic expectations upon you that burden you with anxiety and negative thoughts. 

The internal critic demands perfection that isn’t realistic.  For example, it may be that after a perfectly reasonable social interaction, your internal critic scrutinizes every detail of your behavior in the interaction with negative selftalk. 

The inner dialogue may look something like this:

“You are so stupid.”

“I can’t believe you said that.”

“Your facial expression was so awkward.”

“She must now think that you’re a loser”. 

“There’s no hope for you – you’re a lost case!”.

 

These beliefs and internal narratives create the lens through which we perceive the world and ourselves. 

 

What does toxic shame feel like?

 

Shame feels as if you were shrinking. It makes you want to disappear. It makes you feel you’re unworthy

 

Toxic Shame And Addictions

 

Toxic shame can lead to self-hate, which, if left unresolved, eventually can result in other coping mechanisms, such as self-harm or harm to others. Self-harm can take various forms, including addiction, self-punishment or in its extreme form – suicide.  Harm to others can involve emotional, physical or mental abuse.  

Self-harm is generally a cry for help or an attempt to escape emotional pain. Addictions are coping strategies that provide temporary relief from emotional pain.  Although addictions may provide temporary relief in the moment they have debilitating effects over the long term.

Addictions can take the form of eating disorders, substance abuse, self-harm, workaholism, sex, even entertainment and social media. At the end of the day, they all have one thing in common – they are trying to mask the symptoms of a problem instead of addressing the root cause.

 

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics

 

Shame is generally used as a weapon of control in dysfunctional families. Perfectionism, criticism, blame, righteousness, rage or power are some cover methods in which we divert our shame onto others instead of facing it within ourselves. 

Parents that are unable to handle their emotions create mistrust in their children. If parents are unable to regulate their emotions, it creates an unpredictable dynamic that is unsettling for children.  

You might be interested in:

Do you have healthy boundaries? (Quiz)

 

Scapegoat

 

You will usually find that the scapegoats or sensitive individuals within a family structure become the recipients of deflected emotions that parents cannot face themselves. This is an especially difficult dynamic for empaths who have a hard time establishing boundaries and who can internalize other’s emotions as their own.

They become the unconscious storehouse for the family’s emotional problems. As a result, they often develop into adults who feel at fault for anything negative. To avoid taking the blame for everything, ask yourself these questions:

Is it mine or theirs?

Could it be that someone didn’t reply to your message because they are busy? It doesn’t have to mean that you have done or said something wrong.

Could it be that someone is rude because they are having a bad day?

This is also one of the reasons why empaths generally become some of the greatest healers. By resolving the complexity of these dynamics, they can attune and guide others who are in the process of overcoming toxic shame and healing wounds of the past. 

 

Narcissism

 

Other byproducts of toxic shame in dysfunctional families can be narcissism or codependency.

The person who is narcissistic is obsessively preoccupied with themselves. A narcissist’s external search for approval, admiration, superiority and significance is a continuous attempt to find self-worth and validation.

This external pursuit for success is an attempt to fill a deep void and feeling of unworthiness that stems from unhealthy shame. It is an endless pursuit that won’t be satiated until the original wounds have been addressed.  

 

Codependency

 

Emotionally neglected, shame-based children often become adults who form co-dependent relationships. Such relationships are characterized by an over-attachment and an extensive focus on the needs of the other. 

If our sense of emotional worth comes primarily from our relationship, we become highly dependent upon that relationship. It is important to point out that considering the needs of others and being of service forms part of a healthy personality. 

It does, however, become toxic when we ‘self-sacrifice’ to our own detriment or to the detriment of the other (through enabling their dysfunctional behavior) or when it is used as a form of manipulation to indirectly meet our own needs.  This is the difference between healthy interdependence and unhealthy codependency.

Discovering toxic shame as a potential root cause of anxiety, dysfunctional patterns, fragmentation and addictions can be the first step toward liberation.

 

You might be interested in:

Are You Codependent? (Quiz)

 

How to Heal Toxic Shame?

 

Healing toxic shame requires honesty, courage, self-awareness and shadow work. Let me explain what I mean by that.

If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. ~ Brene Brown

 

Confession / Speaking Up

 

Honesty with the self is the first step towards releasing you from the bonds of toxic shame. An effective way to start this process is through the act of confession.

You cannot address any problem unless you’re honest about what that problem may be. There is a reason why the first rule of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is to introduce yourself to the group and acknowledge that you are an addict. Courage is necessary for this process.  You have to be ready to face and own your toxic shame in order to transcend it.

During this time, you have to fully embrace and feel your emotions, however difficult this may be. You need to allow yourself to be vulnerable. This process can be especially difficult for men. As society has programmed them in such a way that expressing vulnerability equates to weakness. This, however, couldn’t be further from the truth. To feel and face difficult emotions is a courageous act that requires a different type of strength.

 

Remember that the only way out is through. 

Being part of intentional healing groups or working with skilled practitioners where you can open up and speak freely without judgment can have a great impact on releasing shame. The fundamental aspect of this healing process is a safe container in which space is held.

Within this space, others have the opportunity and support to explore vulnerable aspects of themselves. It is essentially a ‘remirroring’ process whereby the aspects of us that were originally wounded are seen and accepted. This can be a miraculous process to witness.

Spontaneous healing is akin to a rebirth process, whereby the sparkle within one’s eyes returns.  You see a complete shift in the energy and the state of being. The participant will experience a huge liberation of energy as if the chains which ensnared him/her before no longer exist. This is very, very powerful – both to witness and to experience. 

***

*If participating in a healing group seems like too much of a stretch, you can start by expressing your toxic shame through writing. You can write about your life story and your low points or even have a dialogue from your inner child’s point of view. Express yourself freely. This gives a voice to your pain. Sometimes that might be enough in order to get relief or to meet your inner child needs. 

 

Self-awareness

 

Notice yourself in moments when you feel triggered or insulted. It is usually an indicator that there is some aspect of you that you are not fully aware of. Remember that when you feel insulted, you become defensive.

But the question is, what is it that you are defending? In many cases, when you feel insulted, it reveals to you an area that you are insecure or ashamed of.  An aspect of you that you may have deemed ‘unworthy’ from childhood conditioning. Owning your toxic shame is the key to releasing triggered reactions. 

What also helps to gain more self-awareness is understanding toxic shame symptoms and causes. I recommend books from Brene Brown or John Bradshaw who wrote on this topic extensively.

 

Integration

 

 Within holistic health circles and, in particular, within modalities of shamanism, there is a process referred to as “soul retrieval”. It is the process of reowning back “lost parts of our soul”.  “Soul loss” is triggered by experiences we did not have the emotional capacity to handle at a time of the experience.

Feeling shame can be so difficult that it’s easier to abandon parts of us that we feel ashamed of. These parts of the ‘soul’ then reside in the subconscious, waiting for integration.  

 

 

In order to achieve internal integration, we need to break through the facade and face our shame/pain. Once we have done so with honest self-inquiry, we can then begin to reintegrate those vulnerable aspects in a gentle and compassionate way.

This integration process requires shattering the old and redefining the new. Instead of hating ourselves for being broken, we can seek to find beauty and potential in reconnecting lost parts of our soul in a new and unique way.

In Japan, there is a method of repairing broken pieces of pottery with gold. This process is called kintsugi, and it is understood that the piece of pottery becomes more beautiful and valuable after having been broken.

This metaphor portrays the potential of how our wounds can turn into our greatest gifts.  Our most difficult experiences can become a catalyst for developing internal powers such as resilience, empathy and compassion for others and liberation. In transcending our suffering and circumstances, we can become an inspiration for others to do the same. 

 

Compassion

 

Another aspect of transcending these cycles of toxic shame is the incorporation of compassion. Shame and trauma are transgenerational byproducts that are passed down. It is only when a member within the family or this ancestral lineage becomes aware of these patterns and consciously chooses to change them that these cycles can be broken. 

In order to find peace and liberation from these intergenerational patterns, we need to forgive. By understanding the reasons for our pain, we can relate to our parents’ pain and become more compassionate. Forgiveness is an act of self-love that liberates us from the bondage of emotions such as shame, resentment and anger.  If we hold onto these emotions, the same cycle will perpetuate in our children. 

 

Final Word

 

Toxic shame may feel like a deep cut in our hearts. It separates us from ourselves and others because it causes disowning aspects of ourselves.  As toxic shame often lurks in the darkness of our psyche, it’s up to us to learn and recognize its many faces.

When we heal our toxic shame, we can improve how we perceive the world, how we interact with others and ultimately, how we view ourselves. It is a journey back to wholeness. The more we are truly ourselves, the more we can access our natural gifts and live more fulfilling lives.

There is no such thing as an ideal self or perfect self, but we can be perfectly imperfect. There is beauty in embracing all aspects of our being, including our quirks, insecurities and fears.

(if you recognize yourself in these dynamics, you can find out more about narcissistic and dysfunctional family dynamics in this article – How The Wounded Inner Child Continues To Affect Our Adult Lives)